Category Archives: Thoughts

I am no longer counting…

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I am no longer counting the days I am sober. My milestone was 90 days and I am past that now. Am I pleased with myself? Absolutely. Will I remember the one year anniversary when it rolls round later this year? Absolutely. However I will no longer counting my days. Why not? I am free of alcohol. I am not sentenced to 90 days or 6 months sober. I am free of the drug alcohol. I am not deprived by not drinking. I am gaining life. For that I am thankful and grateful.

Kick The Drink…Easily! by Jason Vale.

Just started reading the book and it makes a lot of sense.

Counting days is great if you are counting down, waiting excitedly for a joyous occasion. Those are good counts. Could be a birthday, an anniversary, a new family member, a graduation, a new job, a wedding, or a driver’s license.

Counting up is like wrapping yourself around the anchor of the poison. Instead of releasing yourself you are chaining yourself to the ball of poison. How many links away am I now? 90 links? No matter how far away you are you are still linked to the poison. Today I am breaking that bond.

I was using the website Living Sober to count and would check in every so often and check out the counter there to see how I was doing. Did I need to? No. I knew how I was doing without needing to check. I wanted a number. The bigger the the number the better. I don’t need a number anymore. I am thankful and grateful I don’t drink.

My trainer wheels are off. I am walking on my own two feet. I no longer have to say, one, two, to myself, as I step. I’ve got this.

Back to reading and the garden.

Aren’t I a hypocrite. Didn’t I say I wasn’t counting but then in the very next sentence I say 90 days? I’m confused.
I’m not. This is my logic. It all makes perfect sense. I am linking myself to a date in time. I am not linking myself with a length of time. A length of time takes more calculation and consideration to add up. Whereas a date in time is just that, a date. I am simplifying my life. See, that makes a whole lot of sense, right?

5am revisited

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My body thinks that 5am means going to bed at 5am.
Getting up at 5am isn’t going to happen for me. I give up for now.

Insomnia is still with me. Hard physical work, long Epsom salt baths, lavender tea, going to bed early just isn’t working.

I am just going to roll with the hours and see where it takes me. Sleep when my body says sleep. Not because it’s the norm. This morning it was almost 5am that I got to sleep. It wasn’t for the love of trying.

I give up. I surrender. Sleep: do your worst. I will follow your lead.

Are these my hands I see before me?

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I swear I am not making this up. I really do wonder whose hands I have before me. These fingers with long nails and now nail polish. They really look so foreign to me. The nails are strong and longer than they have ever been. The nail polish on, bright and show-offy. Look at me. Yes. Look at me. Again. And again. They are really me. They are mine.

The hand moves up to my face and rests on my cheek. Waiting for a comment. A compliment. Compliments have been given already the day before. The newness of it all is wearing thin on others but for me I am shamelessly hinting and encouraging more.

I am like a 5 year-old with new school shoes, marching round the house in front of everyone and around and around until I am dizzy.

Will this novelty ever get old? The joy of long nails. I don’t think it will get old. I think this will spark joy for me for a very long time. After all, I have waited for this for 50 years. I can even tap my fingers on my computer and make a noise with my nails. Yes. An annoying sound but it is a noise just the same. I have never been able to make this sound before. I can now open cans with a pull ring by myself. I no longer need a knife to lever the tab up. Scratching my head sounds different too. Fascinating.

Seems such a frivolous thing to be so excited about but it so much more than long nails. Anxiety is melting away. Really has anyone else experienced long nails after stopping drinking? I mean that is the only thing that has changed.

Day 85 sober. I am almost at the three month mark. It is rolling around so quickly. How does it make me feel? Best decision ever. This decision to be sober. Wouldn’t go back to drinking. I say that now but earlier this evening I heard a new piece of music and I thought this would be good with a glass of wine. I didn’t follow up with getting a glass or anything. The thought floated up. I voiced my thought. And then it was gone. There was no desire to drink. It was a random thought. An old thought of mixing music and wine.

Insomnia is still with me. It is 3:36am and I am still awake. The rain patters on the roof. The crickets chirp in the night. The cats sleep sprawled out on the couch floating in a deep sleep. For now summer and insomnia are linking hands and running away through the fields. I don’t mind too much. The evenings are pleasant and I enjoy the stillness and the coolness after the hot sun of the day. When autumn comes I hope insomnia will be tired of playing with me and wander off and disturb some poor unsuspecting soul. I think my turn is almost up. I cannot be too greedy with insomnia’s time. She should share her talents with someone else. Like I said her bags are packed by the door. But she is too busy laughing and enjoying the moment. Patience. It is all I can ask for.

Did you see my nails? Yes, they are long, aren’t they. Yes. They’re my own. Yes. It’s a lovely shade. Shameless Red, maybe? I have no idea what it’s called. Did you say something? I was just gazing at my nails. Sorry? What?

Cork Collection

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I have a pile of corks, saved diligently over the years. What do I do with them now? I have made a cork board already.

I don’t quite know how to deal with them. I don’t feel I can get rid of them. My car key chain is a champagne cork. I keep meaning to replace it with something else more appropriate. Haven’t found a replacement. Was thinking of a rubber duck.

The cork

Keeps its head above water,
No matter the weather,
Comes from a fine stock,
The older the better,
Cannot sink,
Regardless how deep it goes,
Can squeeze into small spaces,
Or fly like the wind,
Stops conversations dead,
Livens the party,
Looks ravishing,
Simply,
The cork.

Long nails finally

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For the first time in 50 years I have long nails. Almost to manicure length. (I think they are but probably they are shorter than that.) Naturally. They are strong.

I have bitten my finger nails and the skin around my finger nails all my life. I have tried to give up many times. I’ve tried all the remedies, from gloves to sitting on my hands to painting on foul tasting nail polish. Nothing worked. The desire to stop was always there but I just could not stop. It was frustrating. It was embarrassing. They were ugly. I have never worn rings apart from my wedding band because I didn’t want to draw attention to my nails, or lack of them.

Like I have mentioned before stopping alcohol was easy. The decision to stop was hard. I’m not quite sure how I stopped biting my nails. There was no epiphany. It just happened. I cannot explain it. I can feel my nails now when I squeeze my fingers into the palm of my hand. Typing now on the keyboard now is different. Things most people take for granted are completely new for me.

Deciding no to alcohol has had many knock-on effects. This has been a most surprising one. An amazing one. I am ready to book my first manicure and be pampered. I have had many pedicures but never a manicure.

My anxiety has dropped off with stopping alcohol. Noticeably so. This must be part of why I am no longer biting my finger nails. To be honest I don’t really care how it occurred, I am just happy this has finally happened.

If you have tried everything to stop biting your nails and nothing has worked for you, try giving up alcohol and watch what happens.

One thing I could never do and that was play guitar because my nails weren’t there. I picked up a guitar in my late teens but knew it wasn’t going to work out. It was hard. It was painful. Maybe, just maybe, I might give it another go.

Time to raid my jewellery box and see what’s at the bottom.
I can wear rings!!!

Possibilities: Guitarist, Hand Model, YouTube Cooking Show Host

Sober Treat today was pick up pepperoni pizza with chili flakes on the patio.

101 Tokens App

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This app started the ball rolling. 101 Tokens. A little but powerful app that asks you to record the days that you drink alcohol, to comment whether it was worth it or not, and record where you drank and with whom. You can record what you drank and the volume but that’s up to you.

The point of the app is to shine a light onto your drinking habits and to learn to drink in moderation. Limiting yourself to up to 101 days per year of indulging in drinking alcohol.

One token per day, whether you had one glass or twenty. One token per day. And was it worth it? Stopping to ask yourself was it worth it was a good exercise.

I remember last year trying it and by March my numbers were high so instead of facing my drinking habits I stopped using the app. Problem solved said the ostrich to the sand.

When written down in black and white with the fast accumulation of the number of tokens, it was hard to ignore. The results shouldn’t have surprised me but they did. I may have stopped using the app but the number of tokens shocked me. Learning to curb your drinking and consume in moderation didn’t seem like a solution for me. I would want to be the best. At consumption? What an achievement! To be honest I had grown tired of drinking. It didn’t have the results I wanted and it required that I consume more to try and obtain the effects. Hardly a win win situation. A dangerous slippery slope plus an expensive one too.

My choice in wine, beer and spirits were tasteful. Expensive. Not always but I knew what I liked. Living Sober website clicks over your estimated amount you would spend on alcohol per week and it keeps accumulating with time. I have already saved four figures.

I would hate to calculate how much I have spent over the years on the liquid called alcohol. Could I have bought a house? Probably. I don’t have buyer’s remorse. I don’t feel ashamed. Sheepish perhaps but I mostly have wonderful memories. Alcohol was entwined with all my memories. I cannot erase it, without it the memory becomes a redacted memo with black marker throughout and the meaning becomes lost. That I don’t want nor do I need it. It was my life. A part of me. It was fun mostly. It was my way of celebrating life. Or on occasion commiserating. Or just because. I am not glorifying drinking but it was what it was. Enjoyable at the time. Until it wasn’t.

101 Tokens is doing great things. It started in Australia and it has spread far and wide. 75 countries. If you are drinking and want to see how you fare, download the free app today and check it out.

I still have the app on my phone. Not because I intend to drink again but as a reminder not to drink.

Thank you 101 Tokens. I am now a Smart Sober.

Why did I do it?

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Why did I drink in the first place? I have no idea.

Today I claimed back the garden patio area with an evening drink of a mango and ginger salt lassi. The garden is now a place of peace, a place of fun and laughter and deep and meaningful and silly thoughts and ideas. The cicadas are out in force. The only thing absent now is alcohol from the scenario.

I like me without alcohol. Correction. I love me without alcohol. I don’t wish to ever drink again. Please quote me on this if I ever get wobbly thoughts.

Today is a good day.

I feel like I have turned a corner. For those of you who have been sober for years bear with me. I have been sober for 73 days. Many experiences are seen through new eyes now and I am so enjoying them sober.

Sober, sober, sober, yayyyyyyyy yo.

A woman standing behind me at the supermarket checkout queue had a basket full of rose wine and fresh corn. I didn’t feel anything when I looked at the wine. I did however notice that she had three bottles. I am glad that is no longer me. I think I notice more at the supermarkets now: what and how much people are drinking and I am quietly staggered how much money and effort my society puts into the pursuit of drinking. I am marveling at the money I am saving. My frugal nature is loving this new sober side of me.

I managed to get up early today. And was out the door running errands and getting things done. I even had shopping lists with me. I am beginning to plan better. Today was a successful day.

I do like Mondays.

Drinks on the patio

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The patio area lounges expectantly waiting for me in the cool evenings. The mosquitoes are absent, the candles are ready to be lit. The solar lanterns are on. The only one missing is me.

I kept wondering why I wasn’t outside enjoying the evenings. It was only today that I twigged as to why. I associated being outside with an ice bucket and a rose bottle, or a corona with lime, sitting chatting over a glass or bottle or two.

Stupid really that I am depriving myself of sitting/lounging outside because I don’t drink anymore. Now I know why I am avoiding the area I will change it to make it more attractive to be there. I think I will make a point of going outside and claiming the space again this evening. Time to start making “fun drinks” to amuse myself. I might get into making my version of bubble tea. Or an iced ginger tea.

My sober treat today was buying stationery, Moleskine notebooks. I love the feel and shape of them. I’m saving a tonne of money by not drinking. Buying stationery is a excellent alternative. Can’t wait to fill them up with ideas, thoughts and sketches.

Batting on a sticky wicket

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Almost a month ago I wrote:

Don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t ask why. Just let me be. This feeling will pass. I am just recording how I am feeling.

I feel low and sad. I let the tears run down my cheek. Sausage rolls are in the oven baking. I am in the same clothes as yesterday. I want to have a bath. Lie in Epsom salts and let the magnesium soak into my body.

Chronic insomnia is what I have. Trouble falling asleep. Caused by poor sleeping habits. I can see that. I don’t feel rested after waking up. It all began when I gave up alcohol. I thought I would ride it out. Let my sleep come back to me when it was ready. I can no longer wait.

On the edge of peri-menopause going into menopause and the hormones are all over the place.

Today:

A much better time of it. Life. I did a concentrated effort of work that I had been putting off for months. Normally I have a wine or two or more while doing it. It’s computer work, work, work. This week was the first time to do it sober. Starting was the hard part. It always is. Regardless of drinking or not. I motored through on Friday. My face said stay away I’m focused. Fierce is how I was described. Let’s just say I was not disturbed. Thursday, Saturday and Sunday I dithered and I dallied. Almost done with the job. And boy it feels good to get through it sober.

I am lining up projects to do now. Fun projects. I want to sort out my vegetable garden. Make it look better. Get rid of a grassed area and have it in raised garden beds and mulched pathways. A chicken coop next to it.

There is a heat wave. (Hardly but, for here yes.) The coming week looks on average 27-30 degrees Celsius (80-86 F). The humidity is lower than most years which is a bonus. During the day the cicadas sing and as evening falls the crickets break out into chorus. The cats lay sprawled out blissfully unaware of my stress to show up at the computer.

Insomnia is still with me. 3:30am yesterday. Falling asleep is becoming easier. It may not seem like it as i write this. Trust me it is getting easier. I am not stressing about it. It don’t have to get up early. I am living in New Zealand with a Mumbai body clock. For summer the long evenings are wonderful. I don’t really want to go to bed early. I’m not trying. When the weather cools off I will hopefully adjust naturally to going to bed before midnight. Optimism.

All good.

Okay is better than perfect

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One small action no matter how small is a step in the right direction. Even if poorly done is better than none.

61%, 72%, 85%, 93% anyone of those is okay.
If we try at 100% everyday we have no back up, no reserves.
If we try at 80% everyday we have a spare 20% waiting for if or when it is needed.
Rest and holding reserves are necessary.
Like with an iPhone battery if we charge it to 100% every time we actually reduce the capacity of the battery, whereas if we charge to 80%-90% and unplug we don’t run into the same issues.

I know 100%, perfection is unattainable. Yet I still strive for it subconsciously.

I used to try doing things perfectly. It would drive me crazy never being able to attain what I strove for. It was unhealthy. It was insanity. It was irritating. It was frustrating. Many things.
I see the damage in striving for perfection. It’s obvious when you stand back and look from a distance. When you are in the middle of it, perfection seems magical, easily attainable if one just puts in the time and effort, just a little more.

Now as I said I know that perfection is unattainable so I have gone the other extreme, not bothering at all. If I cannot do it perfectly then I’m not going to try. It won’t be good enough. This is ridiculous thinking. Nothing to do with being sober or not. It’s a give up mentality. Catherine Tate’s character Lauren springs to mind, “I ain’t bothered.”

Waiting for something to get the point of needing to be addressed is not the time to start doing something about it. Regular maintenance on a car is better than waiting for it to break down before fixing it. I can see the logic of it. I know doing something poorly is better than not doing it at all. I am on the other side of perfection. The mentality is the same just on the other side of the coin. The sticking point is perfection.

I must let go of perfectionism. This new phase of my life, this new sober me, has begun. It requires growth on my part. Effort. Effort I am willing to make because I want to always be continuously learning, becoming a better me.

A lack of consistency trips me up most times. I start with good intentions but give up and lose interest. Perhaps this is a safety mechanism, built in? Who knows? Doing something, anything is better than doing nothing. Not always but mostly.

One small action no matter how small is a step in the right direction. Even if poorly done is better than none.