Fumbling, Star Gazer, Springer and Wiggly

Who is doing better?

Fumbling is at 100% of 30% energy. She got out of bed.

Star Gazer is at 30% of 100% energy. She is star gazing at lunchtime.

Springer is at 110% of 100% energy. She is multitasking everything.

Wiggly is at 80% of 50%. She is having a nap.

Decided?

Can’t decide between one or another?

Fumbling, Star Gazer, Springer and Wiggly are all doing just fine. There is no need to compare. Each is doing their own thing. If you must compare, then compare Springer today to yesterday, Wiggly today to yesterday, not Springer to Wiggly.

Fumbling is doing amazingly well. She pushed herself.

Star Gazer is taking time out. Resting her body.

Springer will burn out if she tries to maintain 110%. She needs to give herself time to rest.

Wiggly is making great effort. And has energy to spare.

I cannot perform at peak 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. I need to pace myself. I also have to ask myself how I’m doing. Some days or moments I can push myself and other times I cut myself some slack.

Rest is as important as Action.

This past year, or to be more truthful, the past several years I have not pushed myself. I have rested. Soooo rested I have found it difficult to spring to action. There is no springing. More of a rolling into action.

On the days I am at 100% of 30% is a great day. On the days I am at 50% of 100% is a good day. I am learning to pace myself. Any day can be a great day.

I am learning to (cough) moderate my energy. Up till now it has been flat tack and then burn out. Nothing in between. Rest was burn out. That’s not how rest is supposed to be. I get that. I have relearnt that so many times. Stupid I know. But I will keep at it.

Cleaning, tidying up, putting things away and decluttering. Just writing that makes me want to have a rest. Those things. I am learning to do those things at 30%, 50% and 80% and be okay with it. It doesn’t have to be perfectly done. It really doesn’t. I am relearning to make an attempt. Be fine with the attempt and live with it.

I used to be so tidy until I overwhelmed myself. So overwhelmed I stopped caring. I have made it hard on myself. I am ready to face the clutter and mess. There will not be before and after photos. One swipe of a cloth at a time, one item discarded, recycled or donated at a time. I cleared a third of the kitchen bench yesterday. That’s a good start. I wiped out one shelf and the front of the fridge. I wiped down the bathroom sink. Don’t worry I won’t be detailing everything.

Wellbeing, well-being, well being, however you spell it involves just about everything. My environment where I live affects my wellbeing so it needs work. My wellbeing project began yesterday. I have made it a year of wellbeing. It doesn’t have to be all done by tomorrow. I have time. Action, rest, plan and repeat.

Okay is better than perfect

One small action no matter how small is a step in the right direction. Even if poorly done is better than none.

61%, 72%, 85%, 93% anyone of those is okay.
If we try at 100% everyday we have no back up, no reserves.
If we try at 80% everyday we have a spare 20% waiting for if or when it is needed.
Rest and holding reserves are necessary.
Like with an iPhone battery if we charge it to 100% every time we actually reduce the capacity of the battery, whereas if we charge to 80%-90% and unplug we don’t run into the same issues.

I know 100%, perfection is unattainable. Yet I still strive for it subconsciously.

I used to try doing things perfectly. It would drive me crazy never being able to attain what I strove for. It was unhealthy. It was insanity. It was irritating. It was frustrating. Many things.
I see the damage in striving for perfection. It’s obvious when you stand back and look from a distance. When you are in the middle of it, perfection seems magical, easily attainable if one just puts in the time and effort, just a little more.

Now as I said I know that perfection is unattainable so I have gone the other extreme, not bothering at all. If I cannot do it perfectly then I’m not going to try. It won’t be good enough. This is ridiculous thinking. Nothing to do with being sober or not. It’s a give up mentality. Catherine Tate’s character Lauren springs to mind, “I ain’t bothered.”

Waiting for something to get the point of needing to be addressed is not the time to start doing something about it. Regular maintenance on a car is better than waiting for it to break down before fixing it. I can see the logic of it. I know doing something poorly is better than not doing it at all. I am on the other side of perfection. The mentality is the same just on the other side of the coin. The sticking point is perfection.

I must let go of perfectionism. This new phase of my life, this new sober me, has begun. It requires growth on my part. Effort. Effort I am willing to make because I want to always be continuously learning, becoming a better me.

A lack of consistency trips me up most times. I start with good intentions but give up and lose interest. Perhaps this is a safety mechanism, built in? Who knows? Doing something, anything is better than doing nothing. Not always but mostly.

One small action no matter how small is a step in the right direction. Even if poorly done is better than none.

Repetitive insanity

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”

“Taking the same action over and over again expecting different results.” Each day I wake up and I am sober.
Each day I wake up and hope that tomorrow will be better, easier.
Each day I wake up and pray for passion and enthusiasm.

I thought I needed will power to give up the drink.
That was not true.
I took away the desire.
That was all.

I stand today sober.
I do not desire to drink
Yet,
I carry the same mind with me on my shoulders,
She waits for what next?
She collapses on the floor,
Tired of waiting,
For what? She’s not sure.
No one is coming to rescue her?
From what?
She’s not sure.

She is her saviour.
Yet,
She cannot see the love in front of her.
She cannot hear the gentle whispers of devotion,
She cannot feel the warmth of the embrace enveloping her,
She cannot taste the sweet words of encouragement,
She cannot touch the gaze of tenderness,
She does not know that it is she herself,
She is there to save herself,
She shows up each day,
Waiting for the day,
I know she is ready,
She lies in the shadows,
Immobile,
Inert,
Stuck,
Yet,
Hopeful,
One day,
Someone will come and save her.
Tomorrow?
She waits patiently.

I wrote the above last week. My head is in a better space today. I am hugging the me of last week. She was lost and desperate. She panicked. She froze. Instead of doing something silly she did nothing at all. She rode through the thoughts and feeling and she came out the other side unscathed. She survived.

Here’s the thing though. I don’t want to just survive. I want to thrive. In order to do that I need to act. I cannot wait for life to come to me. I must seek it out. I must get off the couch and out of the house. I need to show up.

One action at a time.

Newton’s 3rd Law

Motivation will not appear before me and urge me forward. Passion will not miraculously appear and wave its wand over me, transforming me into passionate. These are things I must act upon myself. Newton Third Law says that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. When we perform no action, nothing will happen. Nothing will come to me, I must seek it out. Ready for action.

Idleness is unbecoming in large doses. I idled last week. I didn’t go anywhere, do anything. I can’t say I coasted, that implies moving forward; there was no action, so I did not. Rest, idleness is necessary but I over indulged. It no longer stayed as rest it morphed into something else. Uncomfortable, uneasy.

The week began well last week.
Gym: Twice
The gym helps my soul, it is not just a physical exercise.
Keep at it. Go more often.
Morning Pages: Thrice
MP Writing. Not consistent. Show up everyday.
Whole Foods: Seven
Whole Foods: Regular breakfast of homemade toasted muesli, yoghurt, pomegranate arils and ground linseed is a well formed consistent habit. A new batch is cooling as I write.

Status: SOBER 66 DAYS
Well done. Keep it up.