Category Archives: Thoughts

Learning to pace myself

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In the past and even now I tend to get enthusiastic about something, I live, breathe and sleep whatever it may be. The enthusiasm lasts for a while, a good while and then fizzles out. Gone.

It’s all about the pace. You cannot sprint a marathon. That’s commonsense. Yet why do I always try to sprint when I should be jogging. These running analogies aren’t working for me. I used to do cross country running. Now I detest anything above a walk. So what else can I use? Jog one lamp post, sprint one lamp post. Stop it.

Okay let’s try music. Tempo. Don’t know the words to describe it but here goes. No. scrap that.

I try to immerse myself in the lust of choice. I suck it dry. I spit it out, I get sick of myself. I walk away. Immersion is a good thing with language learning for example. But not with everything.

Longevity and good pace is what I am trying to add to my kit. Continuity should be there too. They are all linked.

Staying up till 6am engrossed is a wonderful thing. The sun comes up and you are still awake from the day before. Once in a while is fine. But it is unsustainable long term. You cannot tell which way is up. It doesn’t end well.

Pacing myself, being consistent, longevity these things are elusive. These are not linked with addiction, are they? This is a whole new me emerging.

Being sober feels like I am giving myself another chance in life.

I am just a girl standing in front of a mirror, telling myself I love you.

Or should that be “I love me?”

A side note: My recycle bin never gets full now. It is quite shocking how empty it is each week. No more bottles. No cardboard pizza boxes. Only the odd pizza now and then. The absence of bottles is noticeable by the lack of recycling. Calculating the money I am saving and it is breathtaking.

BONUS: Being sober=less recycling bin pushing+saving money

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

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Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride Ph.d.

I have been quiet on my sober blog for a couple of months. I have been working on myself. Taking the time to decide to stop drinking has been the best decision ever. Being sober is a choice. I think around the six month sober mark you start to feel cocky and you think it is easy to not drink. The occasional thought creeps in telling you wouldn’t it be nice to have a beer or a wine or … I thought about drinking. No that’s not true. Or is it. I thought about the first sip. I did not partake. I thought how far I’d come and stayed true to myself and remained sober. I am sober.

With a clear head and loads more time on my hands I have been reading and using the Internet to heal and grow. That doesn’t happen overnight. And it’s not a destination either. I will never be done being sober. It is a journey of being sober. What I intend to do while being sober is the hard part as I’ve said in the past.

I am dealing with life. I am dealing with feelings and finding out who I really am. I am questioning everything about myself. Do I like or do something because I like it or because someone else suggested it and so I did it or like it. Everything is being turned upside down. Re-examined. The hard part of feelings has begun to been addressed. Sure there are triggers that appear and without warning the PTSD reaction involuntarily shows itself. I’m working on it. Thanks to Karyl McBride.

This book, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride Ph.d.was recommended on a YouTube channel. I looked it up and borrowed it from the library. What perfect timing for this book to come into my life. Such a helpful book to deal with an important relationship, the mother-daughter bond. Not all relationships are meant to be. Families should not always stay together. In our culture this kind of talk is taboo: Don’t talk ill of families or familial relationships. Because of that taboo and the reluctance to talk or discuss this many people feel that they are broken or that there is something wrong with them for not being able to have that ‘good’ close relationship. Chosen families are that because of understanding, commitment, love and other good stuff. Without it they are bound to fail. Your chosen family doesn’t have to be the family you grew up with, it doesn’t have to be the family that gave birth to you. You decide who you want to spend your time with.

Time is precious. Spend it with the ones who deserve your love.

Digital Detox & Chocolate

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In May I attempted a Digital Detox. I tried to be too strict with myself and that backfired. I ended up not bothering in the end. I haven’t given up completely but will try again at a later date.

Does my digital side help with my life? Absolutely.

Do I spend too much time on the Internet? Absolutely.

Could I cut back on my digital side? Absolutely.

I did unsubscribe to many mailing lists. I removed many notifications from my phone. I restricted myself to less digital time. I had planned to use the computer to teach myself new software myself but with all the other restrictions I decided to self sabotage and didn’t bother at all.

A gentler route is in order and I am attempting a Lite Version of Digital Detox. Today I began to learn how to use software better. Progress. I am balancing my Digital with my Paper-based side. I began a Bullet Journal. It’s more of Self Discovery/Sketch Journal.

I seem to have substituted alcohol with copious amounts of chocolate. There is none in the house because I ate it all yesterday. Today I didn’t eat chocolate because it wasn’t handy. I didn’t make a trip to the supermarket and so there is no chocolate in the house. I do know now, correction, I always knew that if I bought a week’s worth of chocolate that it would be gone in two days. The addictive side of me is very methodical. If it’s there, it must be consumed mentality. I had roasted cauliflower for dinner. From one extreme to the other.

Self Care: Homemade Facial Mask and a Bath
Green tea and yoghurt

Facing Forward

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Facing or confronting something is more difficult than turning away. It requires effort and dealing with whatever it may be. The thought of facing something can make whatever it is into a mountain when in fact it was a wrinkle in a sheet. Shadows play tricks on us and the devil on our shoulder is whispering come away with me, don’t climb the mountain, what’s one more day?

If we faced the mountain and walked towards it we would realise that it wasn’t so big after all. The weight off our shoulders would have made it worth the effort.

Not facing something takes more effort and occupies more space in your mind than if you faced whatever it is. So why do we insist on looking away or elsewhere, anywhere but forward facing the issue? Why do we do this to ourselves? Because it’s hard? It’s much harder to avoid than to face. Avoidance is quite a complicated dance. It’s like juggling while balancing on one foot on top of a chair. It involves lots of pieces and trying to figure out how not to lose the rhythm so you or the balls don’t fall on the floor. What would be wrong about you and the balls being on the floor anyway? You can rest.

Which is it? Difficult or easy? One moment you say facing something is difficult then you say not facing something is effortful. Which is it? It is what we make it. Huh?

We make decisions for ourselves. Sometimes we know we are making the wrong one and we go ahead regardless. A conscious decision, a decision we know to be wrong yet we willfully proceed. Why? It’s the path of least resistance.

Okay. I get that. That might be true. So why do we do it to ourselves? It’s easier not to.

Doing nothing sometimes is better than doing the wrong thing. Not always but sometimes true. However what I am talking about here is personal growth. The more things we face the more we grow as a person. And with these experiences we learn and we gain wisdom. Our lives become more fulfilled and we seek out more to enrich our lives.

*I wrote the above post earlier, like a couple of months ago and saved it. Publishing today.

I am past my 7 month sober mark and feeling good that I am. Before this journey started the sober part of it seemed like the finish line but in fact it was the just the start line. Being sober is the easy part, the knowing what to do with the time while being sober is the challenge. How do we proceed in life now that we have our life before us with the truth bared raw. I like myself better sober. Still finding my feet. Shuffling in the right direction. Still eat a lot to compensate, stay up late, and do very little exercise. But I am absolutely fine with it. I can honestly say I feel real peace on the good days.

Facing forward and leaning into the wind.

Perimenopause, sober and a twist of lime

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I thought I had perimenopause* under control. I thought the hot flashes and night sweats were in the past. It appears not. Mood swings are gone thank goodness. Something is happening and the body is malfunctioning again. Perhaps menopause is knocking on my door?

Insomnia is something of the past now. So thankful of that. I am able to sleep like I used to and be asleep within quarter of an hour. Insomnia was the one thing that screwed me up when I stopped drinking. It was hard to deal with. I got through it. And now I make sure to get to bed before midnight.

Oversleeping is what I am doing now. Can you ever have too much sleep? Is it because of perimenopause? Change of season? Depression? Don’t know. It is an observation.

One thing I did last month dealing with self care was to buy better bed sheets. Liked them so much I bought a second set of the same ones. Duvet cover got changed too. I donated my old ones to the clothing bin. So maybe I have made the bedroom too comfortable? Nooo. I don’t really think that.

Flannelette sheets for May, prodding at a roaring fires and rolling in fluffy bed sheets. The joys of winter are dressing warmly and stomping about in lined boots, hot stews and endless cups of tea. Cats curled up next to me. Hats, gloves and visible breath. Admittedly it doesn’t get cold enough for most of the above but it would be nice to have a snow day. Dreaming out loud. Might just have to have a Christmas holiday somewhere cold and enjoy snowy weather and walk away back to summer.

(Note*: for those whom are wondering the difference between perimenopause and menopause: Perimenopause comes before menopause. Perimenopause is the transition stage when the menstrual period comes irregularly and sometimes not at all. When the period is absent for longer than one year then you have entered into menopause.) As for post-menopause, I haven’t looked into that yet. Not sure what that is. Dealing with enough of the perimenopause for now.

Damn shame to Admiration

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I remember many years ago a friend of mine had to quit drinking because of a medical condition. When he told me all I could think about was what a shame that was and all the drinking he was missing out on. I felt pity for him. I really did.

Wind forwards to today and I look back at the moment through a different lens now. Admiration for him is all I feel. He told me honestly and openly and upfront about his condition and that it must involve being sober from then on in. I admire his forthrightness, his openness, his sharing of personal things and his strength and positivity of being sober. He was fitter and healthier looking.

I know for each person the reasons for being sober are different. The point of when that timing occurs is unique. However the positive benefits that surround a person when they make that decision an everyday reality are limitless.

Decisions are hard to make at the best of times. When it is made at the same time as someone else it makes it easier. DH and I became sober at the same time. I feel grateful every single day. I certainly wish I had been brave enough to stop drinking sooner. But again time tells and last year was my time to follow through on that thought.

At the beginning I thought I would give alcohol a rest for a while, however long that would be, three months, a year. It felt like a break, a rest, a sojourn. As time went on I realised all the hype of difficulty was false. The decision was difficult. The action required after that was easy. Sober living is definitely a more present lifestyle. My sojourn from alcohol will be for the rest of my life. I appreciate my life that much. I am worth it.

I don’t consider myself an alcoholic. I don’t consider myself recovering either. I don’t drink is all. I am sober. And I love being sober.

POSITIVE GAINS:
More money
More confidence
More time
More freedom
More clarity
More ideas
More freedom
More active
Better decisions
Better sleep (this took 4 months but was worth the patience
Less to almost no anxiety

NEGATIVE EFFECTS:
None

All I did was stop drinking. I didn’t do anything. Actually that’s not true. I made a decision and followed through with it. I’m grateful for that. One of my best decisions ever.

Long thin blue ones

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If you are tired of reading about finger nails stop right now, if however you are intrigued by my overenthusiastic reaction then read on…

Stopping alcohol has opened up a brand new world for me. Anxiety and stress dropped away. There was no more wondering am I drinking too much, if I have another one will anyone notice? Or I’ll stock up on wine this week because it’s on special knowing full well that the stock wouldn’t last the weekend. There is none of this thought to clutter the mind today. All that tiring thinking about the next drink, the next happy hour, the next occasion, is all gone. It is not missed at all. And I worried that it really would have been. How wrong I was.

I no longer spend all this time thinking about alcohol and then next glass. I no longer spend my money on this obsession. I no longer spend money on the food and transportation that goes with said drinks. Because there is no remorse on what was said the night before, there is no hangover, there is no forgotten gap in the previous evening. All is remembered. There is no worry about how am I getting home, I can drive myself. The anxiety and stress has been fleeing my body and the upside is enormous.

The upside of sober life is long nails. Here she goes again. I know. And I don’t apologise for it either. Long nails for me represents lost anxiety, hidden self confidence that has finally reared its head. Long nails are a symbol of strength for me. Now if you are imagining those nails which are inches and inches long that is not me or what I am talking about. If you imagined bitten nails, erase that and bite and chew more off and the surrounding skin. Gross. Embarrassing. That was me. I was carrying around with me the visable armour of the defeated, the downtrodden. I hid my hands whenever possible. I would always ball my hands into a fist so my nails were hidden. I couldn’t partake in conversations because I wasn’t privy to the ins and outs of the nail world. I was stuck behind anxiety and low self esteem. Now my nails are not the inches and inches long that you imagined, but they are an ordinary length. They blend in with the crowd now. For that I grateful. I am part of the painted nails brigade and I like it. I have missed out on this frivolousness until now and I intend to make up for lost time and have fun with it. I really do. I don’t even know how to file my nails properly. Youtube will be handy. I have ordered nail paraphernalia to look after them well.

Each time I change my nail colour, file, buff, paint or moisturise my nails I will be practising gratitude for the courage that I had to stop drinking. For others it may not be much at all, but for me it is huge. A leap in the right direction. Life is made up of little moments and now I will be spending my time thinking of what shade next.

This follows along with my theme for this year: Care. Part of my routine now involves the care of my finger and toe nails. Oh what fun we will have!

Today’s sober treat: a long hot soak in the bath tub with Epsom salts and a book.

Sunday Rebel

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Sober, grateful and embracing life. Insomnia is now a thing of the past. Going to bed at a reasonable hour now. I has been a long four months to get my sleep under control. All is well. Side affect of being sober: long nails.
These new nails are a treat. They keep tripping me up in unexpected moments. The keyboard is a new domain. Doing up buttons, putting hands in pockets, feeling the earth. All of it feels new and weird. Honestly this is the first time to have long natural nails in my whole entire life. I am not making this up. This is one gift I have unexpectedly received from being sober. I have bought nail polish! I went and had a manicure done. I painted my nails today. Colour Rebel, a beautiful pale blue shimmery colour. Beautiful. I must admit one hand it better than the other. Practice will improve this over time. I had to redo three fingers on my left hand. I rubbed them on something before they were dry.

Patience is what I have learnt about long nails. I have waited for fifty years for long beautiful natural nails. I never gave up hope. I might have lost hope at times, even been jealous of others. The goal seemed so far out of my reach that it was like looking through thick bulletproof glass to something untouchable, unobtainable. When I was thinking about being sober the nails crept up on me while I wasn’t watching.

Long nails aren’t just long nails. They are my new found confidence. They are a symbol of tossed aside anxieties. They are so much more than painted nails. Forgive me as I go on about them. For me they are a huge achievement. Striding along the right path makes all the difference. I am clearly walking in the right direction.

Sober treat: Painted my nails, colour REBEL by Zoya (Pale shimmery blue)

Rain of the rooftop

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It rained yesterday and the day before yesterday for the first time in ages. I swore I was going to sit outside in the rain but I chickened out and danced inside instead. The simple joy of hearing the rain on the roof, what a joy it was.

Noticing the little things is one of life’s simple pleasures.

One of my cats sits with his head out the cat door staring at the rain. His body sitting nicely inside appearing headless. Watching rain fall is soothing, magical and mesmurising. My cat mindfully appreciates the rain. Isn’t he clever? I have so much to learn from him

I love the sound the rain makes as it falls on the roof. The sound of it gurgling down the down-pipe. The stillness in the air. The cicadas quiet. The smell of parched soil gulping their share of water and then some. The dampness in the air. A dropping of the temperature. The need to wear socks again after months of bare feet. The peaceful feeling of being blanketed by rain when inside the house. I love the rain.

Friday I dashed through the rain dodging puddles without an umbrella off to my appointment. I felt like I was five again. I walked slowly as I crossed the street reveling in the raindrops as they landed on my body. I got wet. I didn’t mind one little bit.

What did you notice today?

Kick The Drink…Easily

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Kick The Drink…Easily by Jason Vale
Book Review 5/5

Commonsense, straight forward, repetitive in a logical way. Dispels the myths of drinking and encourages the mindset to embrace freedom rather than recovery. Jason Vale is known for his juicing books but I just stumbled upon him with a recommendation from where I don’t remember anymore.So glad I did.

My final drink was over three months ago. So why am I reading this now? It’s a popular book and I was on the waiting list at the library. In every book about alcohol you can gain something positive from it surely. This book has it in bucketfuls.

Not a quick read. I mean it makes you think. You will want to go away and linger over a point. Mull it. Pun intended. And then go back to it. It is not a light read, like a summer novel. I didn’t finish it in one sitting. It took me a week. Unusual for me. It’s an important read. It was for me.

Jason’s style is one you will either run with or despise. He repeats himself, on purpose, to hammer in the importance of his points. As he says alcohol is the mostly widely available, accepted and legal drug in the world. It will not be going away anytime soon. The alcohol industry is a behemoth and all that tax goes to the governments so pulling the plug on that won’t be happening. And besides if we are told no, don’t we want it even more?

This book reinforces the belief that no willpower is required to becoming a non-drinker. I attest to that. The decision to not drink alcohol is a difficult one because we fear it will be difficult. That fear is unfounded. Not drinking is easy. Or it was for me. The decision not to drink was difficult. Fear stopped for ages. That fear was unfounded.

The world for me is newly exciting. I have found confidence, joy, more money in the bank and freedom without alcohol. The advantages are countless. The disadvantages none.

I am running with it, this new found freedom. I am not waiting for something to happen to me. I am living life. I no longer have hangovers. I can drive myself anywhere at anytime. I don’t compare my drinking habits with others. I don’t count my drinks. I don’t count my days not drinking. I am free of it all. It feels good. I feel good.

If you are thinking about taking your last drink or have already taken your last drink you will enjoy this book. Perhaps you wonder what the fuss is all about and are just curious. That’s what started you drinking in the first place. Don’t take my word for it. Read it yourself and make your own mind up.