Tag Archives: sober

5am

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I got watching a YouTuber and how they are now getting up every morning at 5am. I thought YES. I can try this too. Insomnia is with me and if I can shake her off smartly I can start a new habit.

I set my alarm for 5am. I got to bed at 1am. My reminder to go to bed did go off at 9:30pm. I ignored it. I lay in bed willing sleep to come. I tried relaxing all parts of my body one by one. Nothing seemed to help. My phone was charging in the hall. So one good thing was no electronic device in the bedroom. Sleep didn’t really come to me. I tried for an hour. I decided to get up. Yes. Really. I decided that I was going to kickstart my new habit. I got up as if it were morning.

I had a bath and read a book, Between the World and Me. Couldn’t put it down. Such a good book. Put my book away. Washed my hair and got ready for my new day. I had breakfast and ate mindfully. I then went and sat down at my desk and wrote my three pages, my morning pages.

It still wasn’t 5am yet. It was dark outside and I had completed three tasks already. I felt almost at a loss of what to do next. I am never up this early. One thing the woman from YouTube said was to ask yourself why you are wanting to get up early. And not to hit the snooze button when the alarm goes off. Get up immediately.

I was already up.

Managed to snooze for 2 hours during the day but found it hard staying up all day. Day one of the 5am starts wasn’t that successful. Yes I was up. Yes I started my day earlier but it was all such a shock to my system.

Day 2 of trying my 5am starts. Had a cat visit to the vet that day so it was stressful. Vaccinations. Played hide under the bed for 10 minutes. One didn’t want to get into the cage. One didn’t want to get out. Went to bed by 10pm. I was exhausted. All good. Changed my clock to a 6am wake up. Woke up at 3am. Turned my alarm off. Slept for another 8 hours. Attempt 2 at 5am starts was a disaster. Effort 0/10. Sleep 10/10 A win against insomnia.

Haven’t given up. Will try again tonight to get an earlier night.

Do I have my head around this idea properly yet? I wonder if I really do.

Why am I trying to get up early? I want to be more active. I want to start the day better. I want to enjoy the peace and quiet of the morning. I want to eat breakfast leisurely. I want to write during the quiet time. I want to be awake to enjoy the sun rise.

Are these my hands I see before me?

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I swear I am not making this up. I really do wonder whose hands I have before me. These fingers with long nails and now nail polish. They really look so foreign to me. The nails are strong and longer than they have ever been. The nail polish on, bright and show-offy. Look at me. Yes. Look at me. Again. And again. They are really me. They are mine.

The hand moves up to my face and rests on my cheek. Waiting for a comment. A compliment. Compliments have been given already the day before. The newness of it all is wearing thin on others but for me I am shamelessly hinting and encouraging more.

I am like a 5 year-old with new school shoes, marching round the house in front of everyone and around and around until I am dizzy.

Will this novelty ever get old? The joy of long nails. I don’t think it will get old. I think this will spark joy for me for a very long time. After all, I have waited for this for 50 years. I can even tap my fingers on my computer and make a noise with my nails. Yes. An annoying sound but it is a noise just the same. I have never been able to make this sound before. I can now open cans with a pull ring by myself. I no longer need a knife to lever the tab up. Scratching my head sounds different too. Fascinating.

Seems such a frivolous thing to be so excited about but it so much more than long nails. Anxiety is melting away. Really has anyone else experienced long nails after stopping drinking? I mean that is the only thing that has changed.

Day 85 sober. I am almost at the three month mark. It is rolling around so quickly. How does it make me feel? Best decision ever. This decision to be sober. Wouldn’t go back to drinking. I say that now but earlier this evening I heard a new piece of music and I thought this would be good with a glass of wine. I didn’t follow up with getting a glass or anything. The thought floated up. I voiced my thought. And then it was gone. There was no desire to drink. It was a random thought. An old thought of mixing music and wine.

Insomnia is still with me. It is 3:36am and I am still awake. The rain patters on the roof. The crickets chirp in the night. The cats sleep sprawled out on the couch floating in a deep sleep. For now summer and insomnia are linking hands and running away through the fields. I don’t mind too much. The evenings are pleasant and I enjoy the stillness and the coolness after the hot sun of the day. When autumn comes I hope insomnia will be tired of playing with me and wander off and disturb some poor unsuspecting soul. I think my turn is almost up. I cannot be too greedy with insomnia’s time. She should share her talents with someone else. Like I said her bags are packed by the door. But she is too busy laughing and enjoying the moment. Patience. It is all I can ask for.

Did you see my nails? Yes, they are long, aren’t they. Yes. They’re my own. Yes. It’s a lovely shade. Shameless Red, maybe? I have no idea what it’s called. Did you say something? I was just gazing at my nails. Sorry? What?

Rubber ducky

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It may not seem like a big deal but it is, it really is. I have removed the champagne cork from my key ring and replaced it with a pink rubber ducky. The duck used to be purple and would change colour depending on the heat. Pink in hot weather, purple in cool weather. Now she is permanently pink. She’s old.

My cork collection is still in the too hard basket. I first need to put them all together. That would be step one. Put them all in one bag. Then step 2 would be I store them in the garage. For just in case? I am really sounding like a hoarder. Then step three would be to put them in the recycling bin.

Cork Collection

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I have a pile of corks, saved diligently over the years. What do I do with them now? I have made a cork board already.

I don’t quite know how to deal with them. I don’t feel I can get rid of them. My car key chain is a champagne cork. I keep meaning to replace it with something else more appropriate. Haven’t found a replacement. Was thinking of a rubber duck.

The cork

Keeps its head above water,
No matter the weather,
Comes from a fine stock,
The older the better,
Cannot sink,
Regardless how deep it goes,
Can squeeze into small spaces,
Or fly like the wind,
Stops conversations dead,
Livens the party,
Looks ravishing,
Simply,
The cork.

Long nails finally

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For the first time in 50 years I have long nails. Almost to manicure length. (I think they are but probably they are shorter than that.) Naturally. They are strong.

I have bitten my finger nails and the skin around my finger nails all my life. I have tried to give up many times. I’ve tried all the remedies, from gloves to sitting on my hands to painting on foul tasting nail polish. Nothing worked. The desire to stop was always there but I just could not stop. It was frustrating. It was embarrassing. They were ugly. I have never worn rings apart from my wedding band because I didn’t want to draw attention to my nails, or lack of them.

Like I have mentioned before stopping alcohol was easy. The decision to stop was hard. I’m not quite sure how I stopped biting my nails. There was no epiphany. It just happened. I cannot explain it. I can feel my nails now when I squeeze my fingers into the palm of my hand. Typing now on the keyboard now is different. Things most people take for granted are completely new for me.

Deciding no to alcohol has had many knock-on effects. This has been a most surprising one. An amazing one. I am ready to book my first manicure and be pampered. I have had many pedicures but never a manicure.

My anxiety has dropped off with stopping alcohol. Noticeably so. This must be part of why I am no longer biting my finger nails. To be honest I don’t really care how it occurred, I am just happy this has finally happened.

If you have tried everything to stop biting your nails and nothing has worked for you, try giving up alcohol and watch what happens.

One thing I could never do and that was play guitar because my nails weren’t there. I picked up a guitar in my late teens but knew it wasn’t going to work out. It was hard. It was painful. Maybe, just maybe, I might give it another go.

Time to raid my jewellery box and see what’s at the bottom.
I can wear rings!!!

Possibilities: Guitarist, Hand Model, YouTube Cooking Show Host

Sober Treat today was pick up pepperoni pizza with chili flakes on the patio.

101 Tokens App

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This app started the ball rolling. 101 Tokens. A little but powerful app that asks you to record the days that you drink alcohol, to comment whether it was worth it or not, and record where you drank and with whom. You can record what you drank and the volume but that’s up to you.

The point of the app is to shine a light onto your drinking habits and to learn to drink in moderation. Limiting yourself to up to 101 days per year of indulging in drinking alcohol.

One token per day, whether you had one glass or twenty. One token per day. And was it worth it? Stopping to ask yourself was it worth it was a good exercise.

I remember last year trying it and by March my numbers were high so instead of facing my drinking habits I stopped using the app. Problem solved said the ostrich to the sand.

When written down in black and white with the fast accumulation of the number of tokens, it was hard to ignore. The results shouldn’t have surprised me but they did. I may have stopped using the app but the number of tokens shocked me. Learning to curb your drinking and consume in moderation didn’t seem like a solution for me. I would want to be the best. At consumption? What an achievement! To be honest I had grown tired of drinking. It didn’t have the results I wanted and it required that I consume more to try and obtain the effects. Hardly a win win situation. A dangerous slippery slope plus an expensive one too.

My choice in wine, beer and spirits were tasteful. Expensive. Not always but I knew what I liked. Living Sober website clicks over your estimated amount you would spend on alcohol per week and it keeps accumulating with time. I have already saved four figures.

I would hate to calculate how much I have spent over the years on the liquid called alcohol. Could I have bought a house? Probably. I don’t have buyer’s remorse. I don’t feel ashamed. Sheepish perhaps but I mostly have wonderful memories. Alcohol was entwined with all my memories. I cannot erase it, without it the memory becomes a redacted memo with black marker throughout and the meaning becomes lost. That I don’t want nor do I need it. It was my life. A part of me. It was fun mostly. It was my way of celebrating life. Or on occasion commiserating. Or just because. I am not glorifying drinking but it was what it was. Enjoyable at the time. Until it wasn’t.

101 Tokens is doing great things. It started in Australia and it has spread far and wide. 75 countries. If you are drinking and want to see how you fare, download the free app today and check it out.

I still have the app on my phone. Not because I intend to drink again but as a reminder not to drink.

Thank you 101 Tokens. I am now a Smart Sober.

Why did I do it?

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Why did I drink in the first place? I have no idea.

Today I claimed back the garden patio area with an evening drink of a mango and ginger salt lassi. The garden is now a place of peace, a place of fun and laughter and deep and meaningful and silly thoughts and ideas. The cicadas are out in force. The only thing absent now is alcohol from the scenario.

I like me without alcohol. Correction. I love me without alcohol. I don’t wish to ever drink again. Please quote me on this if I ever get wobbly thoughts.

Today is a good day.

I feel like I have turned a corner. For those of you who have been sober for years bear with me. I have been sober for 73 days. Many experiences are seen through new eyes now and I am so enjoying them sober.

Sober, sober, sober, yayyyyyyyy yo.

A woman standing behind me at the supermarket checkout queue had a basket full of rose wine and fresh corn. I didn’t feel anything when I looked at the wine. I did however notice that she had three bottles. I am glad that is no longer me. I think I notice more at the supermarkets now: what and how much people are drinking and I am quietly staggered how much money and effort my society puts into the pursuit of drinking. I am marveling at the money I am saving. My frugal nature is loving this new sober side of me.

I managed to get up early today. And was out the door running errands and getting things done. I even had shopping lists with me. I am beginning to plan better. Today was a successful day.

I do like Mondays.

Ridiculous Thought #4

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“I’ll never be able to joke about my drinking ever again.”

Conclusion: Case Dismissed with Prejudice.

Drinking is a part of my past. It happened. Most were good memories. Few were embarrassing. Some were lucky, some were stupid. I survived. I will no longer be the scapegoat of the family as the drunk one. The stories were rehashed over and over. They were old and stale and I have not found them funny for a long time. They were maliciously spoken. Enough is enough is enough. (I no longer speak to my family but that is beside the point.)

I am now one of the sober ones. That does not make me the serious one. (Some make think I have always been serious.) I do however take life seriously in that I want to be here and enjoy life, to love and be loved, to laugh, to cry, to feel, to create, to care and to dance and sing badly.

I will remember the time when…. and I will remember the time I did…. It is a reminder that I was young and not so young and foolish and using alcohol as a prop when I thought I wasn’t strong enough to face what I was avoiding. Other times I will remember for the plain stupidity of it all. I have come out the other side. I have survived alcohol. The remembering will be on my terms. I won’t look back in anger (Thank you Coldplay) or disgust or loathing. It is what it was. It was a part of me. It is the past.

I will continue to have a sense of humour, be fun or glum and enjoy life. New memories will be made. Life is for living in the present.

Repetitive insanity

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“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”

“Taking the same action over and over again expecting different results.” Each day I wake up and I am sober.
Each day I wake up and hope that tomorrow will be better, easier.
Each day I wake up and pray for passion and enthusiasm.

I thought I needed will power to give up the drink.
That was not true.
I took away the desire.
That was all.

I stand today sober.
I do not desire to drink
Yet,
I carry the same mind with me on my shoulders,
She waits for what next?
She collapses on the floor,
Tired of waiting,
For what? She’s not sure.
No one is coming to rescue her?
From what?
She’s not sure.

She is her saviour.
Yet,
She cannot see the love in front of her.
She cannot hear the gentle whispers of devotion,
She cannot feel the warmth of the embrace enveloping her,
She cannot taste the sweet words of encouragement,
She cannot touch the gaze of tenderness,
She does not know that it is she herself,
She is there to save herself,
She shows up each day,
Waiting for the day,
I know she is ready,
She lies in the shadows,
Immobile,
Inert,
Stuck,
Yet,
Hopeful,
One day,
Someone will come and save her.
Tomorrow?
She waits patiently.

I wrote the above last week. My head is in a better space today. I am hugging the me of last week. She was lost and desperate. She panicked. She froze. Instead of doing something silly she did nothing at all. She rode through the thoughts and feeling and she came out the other side unscathed. She survived.

Here’s the thing though. I don’t want to just survive. I want to thrive. In order to do that I need to act. I cannot wait for life to come to me. I must seek it out. I must get off the couch and out of the house. I need to show up.

One action at a time.

Newton’s 3rd Law

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Motivation will not appear before me and urge me forward. Passion will not miraculously appear and wave its wand over me, transforming me into passionate. These are things I must act upon myself. Newton Third Law says that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. When we perform no action, nothing will happen. Nothing will come to me, I must seek it out. Ready for action.

Idleness is unbecoming in large doses. I idled last week. I didn’t go anywhere, do anything. I can’t say I coasted, that implies moving forward; there was no action, so I did not. Rest, idleness is necessary but I over indulged. It no longer stayed as rest it morphed into something else. Uncomfortable, uneasy.

The week began well last week.
Gym: Twice
The gym helps my soul, it is not just a physical exercise.
Keep at it. Go more often.
Morning Pages: Thrice
MP Writing. Not consistent. Show up everyday.
Whole Foods: Seven
Whole Foods: Regular breakfast of homemade toasted muesli, yoghurt, pomegranate arils and ground linseed is a well formed consistent habit. A new batch is cooling as I write.

Status: SOBER 66 DAYS
Well done. Keep it up.