Ch ch change

Change is made when small actions are repeated until it becomes a habit.

Change doesn’t happen over night. Change doesn’t happen when you do a new thing once. Actions must be repeated again and again consistently in order for change to occur.

I am writing this for myself as a reminder that change just doesn’t happen by itself. As obvious as it sounds I keep forgetting this and stumble when change doesn’t materialise immediately.

Change requires patience, consistency and repeated behaviour.

I decided while having a cast on my broken ankle that now would be a good time to lose weight. Not so. To heal a broken bone it requires nutrition and possibly more food than normal. I ignored this fact and installed my “new found knowledge” and had just fruit for breakfast, toast for lunch and you can guess what happened…

Low blood sugar reared its head again. Bananas are food from the Gods. Bananas are my go to food if I need instant energy. So I recovered from my moment slowly.

Throbbing headache, feeling nauseous, shaky, sweaty, chills, thirsty, elevated temperature. Why do I do this to myself? Far from clever.

Sweet tea, banana, water, sleep. Followed by dinner a couple of hours later. Followed by more sleep.

Moral of the story is heal the bone first and then deal with the weight.

It may seem obvious to observers but when you are in the thick of it and with time on your hands stupid ideas can appear sensible and efficient. Well stupid ideas are stupid, before conception, during execution and when they have failed.

Lesson learnt this time.

At no time have I felt like having a drink. Except when I heard good new music and thought that this would go well with a glass of red wine. I then rebuked myself and squashed that thought.

Sober and I know it, clap your hands.

Repetitive insanity

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”

“Taking the same action over and over again expecting different results.” Each day I wake up and I am sober.
Each day I wake up and hope that tomorrow will be better, easier.
Each day I wake up and pray for passion and enthusiasm.

I thought I needed will power to give up the drink.
That was not true.
I took away the desire.
That was all.

I stand today sober.
I do not desire to drink
Yet,
I carry the same mind with me on my shoulders,
She waits for what next?
She collapses on the floor,
Tired of waiting,
For what? She’s not sure.
No one is coming to rescue her?
From what?
She’s not sure.

She is her saviour.
Yet,
She cannot see the love in front of her.
She cannot hear the gentle whispers of devotion,
She cannot feel the warmth of the embrace enveloping her,
She cannot taste the sweet words of encouragement,
She cannot touch the gaze of tenderness,
She does not know that it is she herself,
She is there to save herself,
She shows up each day,
Waiting for the day,
I know she is ready,
She lies in the shadows,
Immobile,
Inert,
Stuck,
Yet,
Hopeful,
One day,
Someone will come and save her.
Tomorrow?
She waits patiently.

I wrote the above last week. My head is in a better space today. I am hugging the me of last week. She was lost and desperate. She panicked. She froze. Instead of doing something silly she did nothing at all. She rode through the thoughts and feeling and she came out the other side unscathed. She survived.

Here’s the thing though. I don’t want to just survive. I want to thrive. In order to do that I need to act. I cannot wait for life to come to me. I must seek it out. I must get off the couch and out of the house. I need to show up.

One action at a time.