Repetitive insanity

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”

“Taking the same action over and over again expecting different results.” Each day I wake up and I am sober.
Each day I wake up and hope that tomorrow will be better, easier.
Each day I wake up and pray for passion and enthusiasm.

I thought I needed will power to give up the drink.
That was not true.
I took away the desire.
That was all.

I stand today sober.
I do not desire to drink
Yet,
I carry the same mind with me on my shoulders,
She waits for what next?
She collapses on the floor,
Tired of waiting,
For what? She’s not sure.
No one is coming to rescue her?
From what?
She’s not sure.

She is her saviour.
Yet,
She cannot see the love in front of her.
She cannot hear the gentle whispers of devotion,
She cannot feel the warmth of the embrace enveloping her,
She cannot taste the sweet words of encouragement,
She cannot touch the gaze of tenderness,
She does not know that it is she herself,
She is there to save herself,
She shows up each day,
Waiting for the day,
I know she is ready,
She lies in the shadows,
Immobile,
Inert,
Stuck,
Yet,
Hopeful,
One day,
Someone will come and save her.
Tomorrow?
She waits patiently.

I wrote the above last week. My head is in a better space today. I am hugging the me of last week. She was lost and desperate. She panicked. She froze. Instead of doing something silly she did nothing at all. She rode through the thoughts and feeling and she came out the other side unscathed. She survived.

Here’s the thing though. I don’t want to just survive. I want to thrive. In order to do that I need to act. I cannot wait for life to come to me. I must seek it out. I must get off the couch and out of the house. I need to show up.

One action at a time.

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4 thoughts on “Repetitive insanity

  1. I can relate to this! Perhaps it’s not exactly the same or how you feel, but when I read this (well written, by the way – I love it!) I immediately thought “wow, that’s me”. It’s how I used to go through life when I drank, like life was something that happened to me. In a way, when I got sober, I think I sort of expected everything to just get super awesome straight away. Just remove the booze and the life of my dreams will just unfold right before my eyes without me having to lift a finger. Discovered that the only difference was just the fact that I’m sober! What it does mean though, is that I’m able to get off the couch – literally. Whereas before my mind was foggy and my body barely able to function, sobriety has given me the opportunity to – again, to use your way of putting it – go and seek out life. It’s so good, isn’t it? Anyway, just wanted to say as this rang so true for me. x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. This means a lot. Wasn’t sure if I was going to post it or not, but went ahead with it anyway. Best to get the thoughts down so I can move forward rather than circling the drain.

      Like

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