Tag Archives: sober

Read Toolbox weekly

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I give good advice when asked. Great advice. But I am not so good at following said advice. So this is a reminder to myself to read my TOOLBOX weekly.

It’s written down. It’s not just content to bulk up the blog. It’s there for a reason. It’s there to help me and anyone else who is creating their own toolbox. I’m nine months into this sober new world and realise that deciding to become sober was like opening a door. It isn’t the end of a journey, it’s the start. What’s behind that door is what you make of it. Opening that door means facing certain parts of one’s life that haven’t been dealt with. Facing and dealing with it makes one stronger. You decide when you face your issues/fabulousness. It is all in your own time. When you are ready. No one else decides.

Along with my TOOLBOX is my LIBRARY, and man is that list getting longer. The list of books to read. I have another list of books, non alcohol related too. They haven’t made the cut to the blog. Not because they aren’t worthy but they are off topic. I just love reading.

Being sober is all of me now. I feel like I’ve had cataract surgery, or what I imagine it would be like after it. I see clearly now what I couldn’t before. Life is richer. Life is freer. That also means that there are more decisions to be made.

Back to the Toolbox. Read it weekly. Eat less chocolate. Clean the sink.

Passed a hurdle

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Last week I could have had a drink but I didn’t. It was one of those moments when you know you have Fu*ked up and your head makes the sound of television static like in Poltergeist but without the girl talking through the screen.

I am still recovering from that moment. Depression arrived and is outstaying it’s welcome. Better depression than having a drink. Opting for the lesser of two evils. In the past depression and drink would party together so instead now it is a party for one.

I am sitting this one out and going into softly softly major self care mode. I will ride this one out surrounded by tea, a warm house, binge watching, doodling and cats when they decide to show up. I hate watching comedies when I feel like this. I don’t find them funny. In fact there are a lot of comedies that are so incredibly sad that I wonder the state of the mind of the person/people who wrote them. Off track now. Back to softly softly.

Even tried doing housework to rid myself of depression. Nil affect on depression. Marginal improvement on well being. So that’s a win then.

The difference between before and now, I have a champion in my corner. I have a gentle voice inside my head, offering words of comfort and care. I have not heard her before now. There is an inner strength that was not there before. Things are looking up.

One day shy of 9 months sober

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Wow. Time is flying. I thought it was eight months sober but it’s almost nine months now. Still going strong. Still grateful everyday for not drinking. I didn’t expect an easy ride but I thought that instead of drinking that I’d be losing weight. That hasn’t happened. Not too concerned really if I’m honest. Better that than drinking.

On the plus side I have gotten my sleep patterns back to normal. It takes less time to fall asleep than in the first few sober months, and I am making an effort to consistently get to bed before midnight.

Another plus, I have got back my love of drawing again. I am making effort to add this to my life on a daily basis. So good to have this back in my life. My creativity is resurfacing and I am running with it.

Yet another plus, the recycling rubbish and regular rubbish is not mounting up as it did when we were drinking. Not only do we have less rubbish, we buy less junk food, eat out less and so are saving money. What a bonus. Creative pursuits are generally mind work so they don’t require huge sums of money. So I wonder again why I didn’t give up drinking sooner. The stingy side of me is jumping up and down with joy. My sober side is joining in. I am just one big bundle of joy.

Housework has not been a priority. Self care has been. Dust and clutter is around me. I can look at it and not have feelings of shame or guilt. That is a huge step for me. I want to be tidier and have a clean house one day. Sleep and self care have been a priority. Slowly I am adding things to do for routines that hopefully will be automatic in the future.

I have asked for help and am getting the lawns mowed on a regular basis. That has been money well spent. Seems like such a small thing but it makes me feel lighter.

Next in the help pile is to get someone in to help clean on a regular basis. I just need to get over the embarrassment of the state of things now and admit this is where it is and what needs getting done. I have had the name and phone number of someone for four months and had planned on getting the house into a better state before the cleaner came. Stupid I know. Vanity appears in ridiculous moments.

I haven’t been writing much here because I have been finding my feet, and getting on with life. I find myself walking in the right direction.

One thing I find difficult is finding places to go where alcohol is not the main focus. I am trying to find nice places where I can go out and be comfortable and sit and drink tea or coffee and indulge in something sweet. A sober treat outing so to speak. I am a great booth sitter. Nothing like a booth to be comfortable. That is one of my quests this year – to find date spots. Home is the best place to sit and drink tea or coffee, talk, read a good book. I am thinking outside the box and parks and picnics seem like a great idea. Only it’s winter now and and not the greatest plan for wet weather. Again, lighting the fire and enjoying the ambiance is a start, at home.

Staying put without travelling, becoming a better version of myself is just what I need to work on now. Looking forward to having a year under my belt before I breathe a sigh of relief.

My sober treat is a waterproof Kindle. I can now read in the bath without having to worry if I drop the device in the water. I don’t have to read paperbacks carefully without wet hands, the Kindle will be so much easier. We’ll see how we go.

Corkscrews and Bottle Openers

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Bottle openers and corkscrews. I have many. Now what to do with them?

I don’t have that many in all honesty but I have more that enough.

My cork collection is still sitting next to the fireplace untouched. Now what to do with them?

Do I throw them away? I still can’t bear to toss them away. I haven’t dealt with this. Have I? All those hours spent drinking them, and the money paid for them. It all seems so silly and wasteful now. Duh. I do have a cork board which I intend to keep. I can look at it and not feel any desire or wistful thoughts of drinking. I am not doing any more DIY projects with corks. If I offer them to someone else for DIY projects am I enabling them to drink?

What did you do with your corks? You threw them away, didn’t you.

My remnants of a wine and spirits collection is in the garage. Now what to do with them?

I will use them in cooking. And if the wine has gone off it will be used as vinegar, again also for cooking.

Watching while under the influence

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I stayed up and watched a film last night until the wee hours. I remember the title. I had seen it before because I remembered the title. I pressed play and what followed, I remembered nothing. Not quite true. I remember still shots of certain actors, no story line, otherwise nothing. It was like watching a new film. It was. I watched till the end. It was great by the way. It was past 2am when I turned off the screen.

Over the years I have watched so many shows and films while drunk. And what was the point. I won’t remember any of them. My case in point was last night or technically this morning.

What was the point?

The drinking or the watching? Choose.

I have no answer.

Learning to pace myself

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In the past and even now I tend to get enthusiastic about something, I live, breathe and sleep whatever it may be. The enthusiasm lasts for a while, a good while and then fizzles out. Gone.

It’s all about the pace. You cannot sprint a marathon. That’s commonsense. Yet why do I always try to sprint when I should be jogging. These running analogies aren’t working for me. I used to do cross country running. Now I detest anything above a walk. So what else can I use? Jog one lamp post, sprint one lamp post. Stop it.

Okay let’s try music. Tempo. Don’t know the words to describe it but here goes. No. scrap that.

I try to immerse myself in the lust of choice. I suck it dry. I spit it out, I get sick of myself. I walk away. Immersion is a good thing with language learning for example. But not with everything.

Longevity and good pace is what I am trying to add to my kit. Continuity should be there too. They are all linked.

Staying up till 6am engrossed is a wonderful thing. The sun comes up and you are still awake from the day before. Once in a while is fine. But it is unsustainable long term. You cannot tell which way is up. It doesn’t end well.

Pacing myself, being consistent, longevity these things are elusive. These are not linked with addiction, are they? This is a whole new me emerging.

Being sober feels like I am giving myself another chance in life.

I am just a girl standing in front of a mirror, telling myself I love you.

Or should that be “I love me?”

A side note: My recycle bin never gets full now. It is quite shocking how empty it is each week. No more bottles. No cardboard pizza boxes. Only the odd pizza now and then. The absence of bottles is noticeable by the lack of recycling. Calculating the money I am saving and it is breathtaking.

BONUS: Being sober=less recycling bin pushing+saving money

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

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Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride Ph.d.

I have been quiet on my sober blog for a couple of months. I have been working on myself. Taking the time to decide to stop drinking has been the best decision ever. Being sober is a choice. I think around the six month sober mark you start to feel cocky and you think it is easy to not drink. The occasional thought creeps in telling you wouldn’t it be nice to have a beer or a wine or … I thought about drinking. No that’s not true. Or is it. I thought about the first sip. I did not partake. I thought how far I’d come and stayed true to myself and remained sober. I am sober.

With a clear head and loads more time on my hands I have been reading and using the Internet to heal and grow. That doesn’t happen overnight. And it’s not a destination either. I will never be done being sober. It is a journey of being sober. What I intend to do while being sober is the hard part as I’ve said in the past.

I am dealing with life. I am dealing with feelings and finding out who I really am. I am questioning everything about myself. Do I like or do something because I like it or because someone else suggested it and so I did it or like it. Everything is being turned upside down. Re-examined. The hard part of feelings has begun to been addressed. Sure there are triggers that appear and without warning the PTSD reaction involuntarily shows itself. I’m working on it. Thanks to Karyl McBride.

This book, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride Ph.d.was recommended on a YouTube channel. I looked it up and borrowed it from the library. What perfect timing for this book to come into my life. Such a helpful book to deal with an important relationship, the mother-daughter bond. Not all relationships are meant to be. Families should not always stay together. In our culture this kind of talk is taboo: Don’t talk ill of families or familial relationships. Because of that taboo and the reluctance to talk or discuss this many people feel that they are broken or that there is something wrong with them for not being able to have that ‘good’ close relationship. Chosen families are that because of understanding, commitment, love and other good stuff. Without it they are bound to fail. Your chosen family doesn’t have to be the family you grew up with, it doesn’t have to be the family that gave birth to you. You decide who you want to spend your time with.

Time is precious. Spend it with the ones who deserve your love.

Digital Detox & Chocolate

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In May I attempted a Digital Detox. I tried to be too strict with myself and that backfired. I ended up not bothering in the end. I haven’t given up completely but will try again at a later date.

Does my digital side help with my life? Absolutely.

Do I spend too much time on the Internet? Absolutely.

Could I cut back on my digital side? Absolutely.

I did unsubscribe to many mailing lists. I removed many notifications from my phone. I restricted myself to less digital time. I had planned to use the computer to teach myself new software myself but with all the other restrictions I decided to self sabotage and didn’t bother at all.

A gentler route is in order and I am attempting a Lite Version of Digital Detox. Today I began to learn how to use software better. Progress. I am balancing my Digital with my Paper-based side. I began a Bullet Journal. It’s more of Self Discovery/Sketch Journal.

I seem to have substituted alcohol with copious amounts of chocolate. There is none in the house because I ate it all yesterday. Today I didn’t eat chocolate because it wasn’t handy. I didn’t make a trip to the supermarket and so there is no chocolate in the house. I do know now, correction, I always knew that if I bought a week’s worth of chocolate that it would be gone in two days. The addictive side of me is very methodical. If it’s there, it must be consumed mentality. I had roasted cauliflower for dinner. From one extreme to the other.

Self Care: Homemade Facial Mask and a Bath
Green tea and yoghurt

Facing Forward

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Facing or confronting something is more difficult than turning away. It requires effort and dealing with whatever it may be. The thought of facing something can make whatever it is into a mountain when in fact it was a wrinkle in a sheet. Shadows play tricks on us and the devil on our shoulder is whispering come away with me, don’t climb the mountain, what’s one more day?

If we faced the mountain and walked towards it we would realise that it wasn’t so big after all. The weight off our shoulders would have made it worth the effort.

Not facing something takes more effort and occupies more space in your mind than if you faced whatever it is. So why do we insist on looking away or elsewhere, anywhere but forward facing the issue? Why do we do this to ourselves? Because it’s hard? It’s much harder to avoid than to face. Avoidance is quite a complicated dance. It’s like juggling while balancing on one foot on top of a chair. It involves lots of pieces and trying to figure out how not to lose the rhythm so you or the balls don’t fall on the floor. What would be wrong about you and the balls being on the floor anyway? You can rest.

Which is it? Difficult or easy? One moment you say facing something is difficult then you say not facing something is effortful. Which is it? It is what we make it. Huh?

We make decisions for ourselves. Sometimes we know we are making the wrong one and we go ahead regardless. A conscious decision, a decision we know to be wrong yet we willfully proceed. Why? It’s the path of least resistance.

Okay. I get that. That might be true. So why do we do it to ourselves? It’s easier not to.

Doing nothing sometimes is better than doing the wrong thing. Not always but sometimes true. However what I am talking about here is personal growth. The more things we face the more we grow as a person. And with these experiences we learn and we gain wisdom. Our lives become more fulfilled and we seek out more to enrich our lives.

*I wrote the above post earlier, like a couple of months ago and saved it. Publishing today.

I am past my 7 month sober mark and feeling good that I am. Before this journey started the sober part of it seemed like the finish line but in fact it was the just the start line. Being sober is the easy part, the knowing what to do with the time while being sober is the challenge. How do we proceed in life now that we have our life before us with the truth bared raw. I like myself better sober. Still finding my feet. Shuffling in the right direction. Still eat a lot to compensate, stay up late, and do very little exercise. But I am absolutely fine with it. I can honestly say I feel real peace on the good days.

Facing forward and leaning into the wind.

The Joy of being Sober

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The Unexpected Joy of being Sober by Catherine Gray

I remember getting it out of the library a couple of years ago. Why do I remember it if I didn’t read it. The cover. A bird flying away from an open cage. I wasn’t ready to be sober then. I requested the book about 4 months ago again. The queue was long. It’s my turn to read it. And I am loving it. It is exactly what I need to read now. I am two weeks shy of being sober 6 months. I know I said I didn’t count the days. I don’t on a daily basis. I’m lucky enough not to need to do it. But 6 months is a milestone. And Catherine Gray’s book is right on schedule to read now. And talk about a popular book. That alone should tell you of the numbers of people wishing to quit drinking and becoming sober. A good thing. Being sober truly is a joy.

Far from finished but I am so enjoying her book. My theme for this year, 2019, for me is care. She mentioned that when we are drunk or thinking about the next drink we are not taking care of ourselves or those around us, our lives or our homes. Admittedly I looked after my cats better than I did myself. Catherine mentions to treat yourself like a toddler. To care for myself, is like relearning all over again. My self care routine was nonexistent. I am learning to be kind to myself. I have quietened the boozy angry bitchy evil voice, the one that treated me worse than an enemy would. I listen to my inner voice now, the kind one, the gentle one, the compassionate one. She is teaching me to be kind to myself again.

Compassion starts at home and is an active daily practice. It is not on a to do list and ticked off, it is something to be repeated and done every day. It doesn’t end. It is a regular action done daily. It is a habit. A good one. Self compassion or self love is a necessary act for one to feel whole. When this practice of self compassion becomes natural and regular then the compassion of/for others flows naturally. Let’s make it contagious.

I love being sober. I do not want to try to be a moderate drinker. I don’t want to drink again. I don’t need it. I don’t want it. Alcohol was a shackle not a crutch said Catherine Gray.