Tag Archives: sober

Hypoglycemia: Low Blood Sugar

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If you don’t drink alcohol it’s not the end of the world. You won’t die. You don’t need it. You only crave it or want it because it’s there. It’s a comfort, it’s a habit. It’s a drug.

If you don’t eat, it can be the end of the world. We need to eat and drink to survive. If we don’t we die.

Above I have stated the obvious. Ten months sober and I feel I have a handle on the not drinking part of life. The benefits of being sober outweigh the hangovers and lost moments of drinking life. The abundance of time that being sober opens up is a daunting thing. I am left with myself, my sober self. I cannot take a holiday from me. I cannot take a break from me. I am stuck with me. Before in my drinking days I would have taken a break from myself by getting drunk. Today I don’t need to escape from the isle of me. Have I got my life figured out? Not by a half. However I am learning to deal with myself as I am today. I am far from perfect. I am human after all.

My body deals with sugar poorly. I have known this for most of my life. To have a banana or something sweet in my bag was not uncommon. I used to know this. I forgot. Stopping alcohol gave my eating habits a wobbly unbalance. I compensated by binging on food. A common enough side effect of quitting alcohol. Ten months into this sober pursuit and I think I can now face my relationship with food.

I have hypoglycemia. That’s a fancy word for low blood sugar. When I have low blood sugar I can feel dizzy, lose vision, sweat profusely, be clumsy, feel weak and shaky, fatigue, light-headed, have trouble talking, pale skin, diarrhoea, pass out.

I cannot eat the way I used to drink. I cannot substitute food for the way I drank. I will damage my body. If I binge on sweet foods my body has to adjust and level out. It expects more sugar later but when that doesn’t happen it panics and carries on like in the symptoms above. It used to be scary. Now I don’t panic. But I can stop this from happening altogether. I can eat smaller portions more often. I can carry something to eat with me. I didn’t do this and I was a mess a few weeks ago. Literally.

Why do we do this to ourselves? We know what is good for us and what is not. We know this. We have read about it. Most of it is commonsense. Humans are supposed to be a smarter species but I beg to differ. We have two options, the right one and the wrong one. We often choose the wrong one, even with all the information and knowledge that the wrong choice is bad. We still go for the wrong one. Is it plain stupidity? I don’t know. We cannot help ourselves until we go so far wrong that we get to the place of make or break. Humans aren’t logical. We like to think we are but we aren’t. We try to complicate our lives by doing the wrong thing over and over but keeping it simple seems too easy? I really don’t know why we do the things that we do. Stubbornness is a big reason. Why do we rebel against ourselves though?Why must we make life harder for ourselves when we know the difference between right and wrong?

Back to the sugar. I need to regulate my sugar intake. I can no longer guzzle an entire bag of licorice without suffering consequences. Because if I’m honest it isn’t just a bag of licorice. It is the desire to eat what is in reach. It is not healthy eating. It is eating for the sake of eating. It is perhaps emotional eating. It is replacement eating for alcohol that I no longer consume.

I do not drink fizzy drink or soda. I haven’t for many years. I don’t drink fruit juice either. I have a sweet tooth. I haven’t baked in a long while because I will tend to eat all of the baking within a short space of time. Why? Because it’s there. I have not taken moderation seriously with my food. I love food. I took food holidays. Visiting balsamic vinegar making factories, eating wild boar, pickled sardines, freshly fried sardines, octopus, fresh mozzarella, tiramisu. I ate my way around places. I would cook in apartments with fresh ingredients from the markets. It was a great focus to travel. I did art holidays too. I followed the footsteps of Matisse. I followed the Byzantine. Reading up before I left. It was a great way to travel.

I am forcing myself to moderate my food intake. If I regulate how much sugar I consume then I won’t become hypoglycemic. Simple. No. Not so simple. I am bucking the habits of a lifetime. I am limiting myself to five pieces of licorice a day. I read the back of the package and a single serving is 40g or five pieces. I used to look at the back for fun and then eat the entire bag. I cannot do that anymore without consequences. Wake up me. Time to get real. I have done three days of self regulation of licorice. That for me is a big step. Because with that comes better eating habits all around. Salads and salmon. Toasted muesli. Kiwifruit. Yoghurt. Almonds instead of chocolate. Whole grain toast. Smaller portions. Eating when hungry, not just for the sake of it, eating better.

This evening I will have five pieces of licorice. No more and no less.

For whom it may concern

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Why do we do the things we do?

For ourselves? For vanity? For someone else? Or without thought?

Do we dress/act to keep up appearances, to keep to another’s standard?

What is that standard? What is your standard? Does it change?

Do we present ourselves to society and the world as our true selves? Do we even know who we really are? Are we merely a reflection of whom society chooses for us? If we see a photograph of ourselves who do we see? What do we observe about ourselves within the photograph? When we look into a mirror who do we see? What version of ourselves do we see or allow ourselves to see? Is it our true self? The one in the photograph, the one in the mirror, the one who lives in our bodies?

Do we change who we are depending on the audience in front of us? A wife, a daughter, a mother, a boss, an employee, a customer, a friend, a complainant, an advisor, a protector, a child?

Becoming sober let’s one choose to question with a clearer mind. The answers may not be any clearer but at least you remember the next day what you thought about the day before.

The discovery of self is a life long quest and some days feel like a leaden plod, and others a hop, skip and a pirouette. That being said I would still rather be my true self on a rotten day than an imposter with a painted on smile and crying on the inside. I would rather I cried real tears and really felt them without embarrassment or shame. Being human has a range of emotions. We have to let them in, to experience them, in order for them to pass through and out the other side. This nothingness or flatness I feel today I have embraced it reluctantly. A stiff hug for sure but hopefully it’ll be gone tomorrow.

10 months sober

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For those of you wondering about my maths ability, yes, I jumped the gun earlier, and said I was 9 months sober when in actuality I was only 8 months sober. Today I am absolutely sure that I am 10 months sober.

A year ago today did I think I would be sober? Absolutely not.

A lot has changed.

Being sober seems to be the easy part. The ‘What Next?’ Step is the hardest. What I mean is facing myself and who I am is the challenge. I have spent all my life moulding myself to fit in, blend in or please that I don’t really know who I am. Don’t get me wrong I am not always entirely agreeable. I can be downright stubborn a lot of the time.

Am I being my true self or am I being an image I liked on Pinterest? Is it really me or is it an image of what I think I should be like? Today I have no idea. Today I cannot be bothered to do anything. I think I am afraid that I am nothing more than a couch potato.

My vegetable garden looks an overgrown mess. It is not tended well. Did I plant the garden because I like gardening? Do I want to grow my own vegetables? Because I saw it on YouTube and thought it looked fun, it’s on trend? Why did I bother?

Why did I start my vegetable garden?
I started it because I wanted to have more vegetables on my plate.
I want to eat healthier.
I wanted to have control over what food I ate, as in how it’s grown, spray free, etc,…
I like the idea of going outside to pick something fresh for the table.
The price of salad ingredients is ridiculous and so I wanted to grow my own for a fraction of the price. I wanted to save money.
Having a lawn doing nothing seems like a waste to me and so I wanted to create a garden that produces food for the table, an edible garden of what I like to eat.
The mulch from the hedge clippings goes into the garden and makes great soil. It all stays in the garden. Full circle.
I used the Hulgelkultur method so I could use rotten logs and branches and mulch and tidy up the place.
I measured the distance between the beds so I could easily fit a wheelbarrow between them. It was planned.

Marvellous answers to the question “Why” but do I really like gardening? Is it me? Or am I and will I always be a supermarket shopper? Today I find it hard to answer that. No doesn’t seem right. Yes doesn’t seem right either. I really don’t know. The fact that I have a broken leg and I can’t get about may have something to do with that. The garden doesn’t excite me today. Nothing does. Placing this in the too hard basket and will bring up the question to myself on another day.

Food made with Alcohol

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Went out socialising last week surrounded by alcohol for the first time and more than survived. I had sparkling water as my drink for the evening. Dinner was great. I had dessert too. I enjoyed myself. I didn’t miss drinking alcohol. My dessert had alcohol in it but I let that slide. Tiramisu. I’m okay with that being in my life. I noticed that the slice of baked pear on the plate tasted of red wine too. Again, I’m okay with that being on my plate.

I’m not writing this to spark an argument but how do you feel about food with alcohol in it? I haven’t cooked with alcohol. Actually that’s not true. I cook with sake sometimes. Mirin too. It’s ingrained in Japanese cooking. I haven’t cooked with red/white wine. I don’t want to start the cooking with wine, one for the pot, one for me. I’m thinking of Spaghetti allla Vongole (Spaghetti with clams). Thinking aloud here really.

The reason I’m sober is that I cannot be a moderate drinker. I choose not to drink. I like myself better sober. I trust myself to have tiramisu out at an Italian restaurant and not feel like I’m failing myself. Put it this way, I didn’t feel the urge to order a glass of wine or limoncello after having dessert. That being said I don’t wish to buy alcohol filled chocolates. I don’t think that’s healthy for me. But having tiramisu while out occasionally is okay.

I have cooking wine, Chinese and Japanese in the kitchen and I use those for cooking for flavour. I have no desire to finish the bottle because it’s open. It stays in the cupboard. So what I’m asking myself is what is stopping me from using white or red wine? It’s the possible temptation of an open bottle sitting on the bench or under the bench. Nine months on and I think I’m okay with it. Just writing out these niggling ridiculous thoughts.

I just really love Spaghetti allla Vongole. Clams are cooked in the white wine sauce till they open. I didn’t use to make it often but I did have a glass or two of wine with it. More than. Now I think I’m ready to make it again without the glass of wine with the meal. Sparkling water is my go-to drink. Yeah. I think I’m okay with that.

That’s my rambling way of saying I’m okay cooking with alcohol. Tiramisu is not technically cooked so that’s an exception, I get that.

Buon appetito!

Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect

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BOOK: Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect – By Jonice Webb PhD. with Christine Musello PsyD.

Feelings of something missing or absent but not being able to put your finger on what exactly it is what this book deals with. There is no blaming of parenting, there is naming of the void or neglect, there is dealing with it and moving on and giving the tools to become an emotionally mature adult. Most of us are doing the best that we can with what we have at the time. When we become aware of better ways of doing things we can implement them. If we lack the knowledge we cannot change or progress. It all takes time and can only happens when we are ready for it. Nothing forced can become a lasting habit, it must be adopted openly. Sometimes it takes a few tries to get it right.

This has been such a great book. A great stepping stone book for those early sober and wanting to deal with all this new character assessment and searching deep within ourselves. Much of what I read I had already begun to face and it gave me a great sense of being on the right track to finding myself.

Recovering from the flu so my brain has been a little fuzzy this past week. If it doesn’t make sense that’s why.

An Involuntary “Yes”

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Last night I was asked if I’d like a sweet snack. I immediately yelled back, “yes, please.” I was in another room.

It took me a split second to realise that I wasn’t eating snacks at night. I was trying to NOT eat sugary delights. I changed my reply to a firm ‘no.’

Habit is what it is, involuntary automated actions or thoughts that inhabit our lives. The bad ones are hard to shake. They reply for us when we are undecided. I have gone five days without sugary snacks. I have lost weight. This is a good start. Today the weight plateaued but I know why. It was the tempura yesterday. Oily fried foods. Noted.

I have gone from absolute concentration to grumpy to head-achy back to grumpy and ho hum. When I wake up on Monday i will have made it to an entire week. Again I am determined to make it one week. Alcohol and sugar have been a huge part of my life for so long it is such a change to not reach for a glass of something or munch on something.

The involuntary yes to alcohol is no longer there. It is long gone. I am not a year sober yet but feel I have a handle on it. Or at least I do today. I haven’t been tempted. Sugar is still a firm habit that I am ripping off. The black adder tea was a Godsend last night. Licorice without the sugar.

Why is it that a bad habit is so hard to shake and a good habit so difficult to adopt? Both take effort. And we tend to take the easier option when offered choice. I know. And then when we are offered too much choice we freeze and make no decision at all.

I am choosing to be healthy.

Headaches and sleepiness

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Three days successfully without sugary snacks in the evenings but last night I was head-achy and oh so sleepy, so I took paracetamol and went to bed ridiculously early.

Confession. I had two small bites of an ice cream that was on offer yesterday afternoon.

Cutting out sugar from my diet feels just as hard as giving up alcohol. I was reading online if headaches were a thing when going sugar-free. It is. I had homemade jam on my croissant this morning. And for those thinking, that’s not going sugar free well it is good enough for me.

I am feeling quite determined this week. I feel ready to face sugar. I know realistically it won’t ever be absent from my diet but if I can get the processed food type of sugar away from my diet that will be a milestone. Then evenings are the hardest as I’ve mentioned earlier. I bought string beans yesterday. To have as an evening snack if I need a snack. I have salted peanuts, black adder (licorice) tea to have instead of licorice sweets. I bought strong Earl Grey tea and kiwifruit too. I am ready.

There is chocolate and ice cream in the house and I have not touched them. There are no cravings for either as I write this, but it’s not the witching hour so that’s hardly surprising.

I don’t want to be focusing on food all the time, but I need to get sugar under control. Bear with me. This is a health crisis prevention order I have given myself. I chose to be sober. Now I am choosing to be healthier too. I am facing my health. I can do better. More vegetables and fruit in my diet. My policy is focused on adding good habits to the diet. I am waving a carrot in my face in the best way possible.

Day 1 No snacking – Success

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Yesterday I had my first day of no evening snacking. I didn’t have any snacks. I was aiming to go for something healthy but I ended up having nothing, I didn’t miss it. I was engrossed in writing and drawing and the time flew by. Snacking didn’t enter my mind.

Yesterday was a victory.

After many months of being sober I still haven’t got the emotional or boredom or habitual grazing snack habit under control. Twenty one days to create a habit. Let’s see how we go. Dwight from Faded Jeans Living and Functioningguzzler are both on a mission to eat healthier and loose weight. What I read is inspiring.

I don’t believe in dieting, never have. I believe in healthy eating and good eating habits. I’m not into fads. I want this to be long lasting.

I hopped on the scales today and my weight has gone down a little. Progress. I have been making records with my weight since becoming sober. New records of “this is the heaviest I’ve ever been” kind of records. Today I see a turn for the better.

I’m going to write down what weight I want to reach. Here, I will put it out into the universe.

My goal is 75kg. (165.35lbs or 11.8 stone)

Instead of rewarding myself with chocolate and other sweet treats I need to look again and again at my Sober Treats and use the ideas and reward myself better.

Today I had toasted muesli, kiwifruit and yoghurt for brunch. The mornings, the afternoons are easy with regards snacking. I don’t have a problem with that time, the witching hours are after 7pm.

Help me get there. Push me, encourage me. Hold me accountable. Let’s get to where we want to be, healthier. I am joining Dwight of Faded Jeans Living and Functioningguzzler.

Rising Strong

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Rising Strong by Brené Brown is such a good read. I am half way through and I know I should have read Daring Greatly before this but that’s the way the book requests came through, out of order.

Brené Brown is a researcher and delves into emotions such as shame and vulnerability. She focuses her life’s work in areas that most of us would rather not look at. She encourages us to face the uncomfortable and to give it language so we can better deal with our emotions and improve how we act, get up and do it all again.

I have watched many interviews of hers on YouTube, plus her TED Talk and I also read The Gift of Imperfection. As I read her books she narrates in my head. It’s an enjoyable experience. She has a Texan drawl and she tells it like it is. She asks tough questions and interviews countless people to draw conclusions and find answers as to how we think.

A question posed in the chapter I’m reading is:

“Do you think that people are doing the best they can?“

What do you think?

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I like to think of myself as hopeful and YES I do believe that people are doing the best they can. Even if the person in the car in front cuts me off, I don’t know what’s going through their mind. They may have just lost their job, they may have had terrible news, they may have run out of milk for their baby? I don’t know what is going through their minds or what is in their life. I may swear under my breathe but I leave it at that. At the time we make the best decision or choice as we are able. On the outside it may appear obviously a wrong choice but that is a judgement without all the facts. When we are strong we are able to make better decisions, when we are hurting or struggling we make the best decisions we can at the time.

Here’s to being hopeful.

Not drinking makes you smarter

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Not drinking makes you smarter. Did I really just write that? Who clicked because they believed it, even just for a second?

It ain’t true. Not drinking doesn’t make you smarter. And drinking doesn’t make you smarter either. What makes you smart? If I could answer that there would be no need for this blog for starters. Smartness (look it up, it’s a word) comes from experience, intuition, reading, thinking, observation and I suppose a few genes, not the designer jean variety.

Being sober lifts the fog and allows us to see clearer. What we do with this new sight is up to us. We made the first smart decision: to stop drinking. We can build on this and make more smart decisions. It’s like taking steps. One step after anther. One smart decision after another. Along the way we will sidestep and make dumb decisions. That’s to be expected. That’s what learning is, right?

Last week I made a smart decision. I hit a hurdle in life. I could have coped with it by having a wine or two like I would have in the past. This time, my sober self, said no. Deal with this sober, you are strong. You’ve got this. And I did got this.

Soberness might not give us smart decisions always but it gives us a chance to make more better choices.

Choose to be smart today.