Moderately Sober

The title of my blog: Moderately sober made sense the day I became sober. I had just drawn the last straw with drinking. I made the decision to abstain from drinking. This time I was serious. I have had a few dry months in my life and a dry holiday trip to Thailand. That was all.

Abstain? Formally decline a wine? The declaration can not be taken seriously. Moderately sober? Not possible. It’s like saying “I’m moderately pregnant.” You cannot be moderately sober, you are either sober, a drinker, an alcoholic, or a normal drinker. A normal drinker is just an alcoholic in waiting.

I did honestly think that I would go back to having a drink once a week, controlling myself, after a break from alcohol for a couple of months. I now realise that this is a flawed idea. One cannot control alcohol, the alcohol controls you. I was holding out on the desire to have a drink again one day sometime in the future, hence, the title, moderately sober.

Foolish thoughts enter the head. They can be heeded and/or observed as they float past and away. Moderately sober is one of those foolish ideas. It is now a reminder to myself that “drinking in moderation” is a myth. Cannot be done. The person you are before your first drink becomes a different person after the first drink. The logic and decision making changes. What was considered foolish before now becomes a brilliant idea.

No one plans to drink and drive at the start of the evening. No one plans to argue with their spouse/partner/friend. It happens when the foolish becomes sensible. Logic disappears and demented thought rules supreme.

We are not the wisest when we drink. We are not the smartest when we drink. We might becomes the loudest and the most obnoxious but that is all. Poets, artists, writers, sculptors don’t do their best work when they drink. That is a myth.

“Moderately” is a reminder that moderation is a myth.
I will continue to be sober from here on in.

DH suggested I make a video for myself, declaring to be sober. I did that. For just in case I get the urge to drink again, I can play it to myself. I don’t think I will need it. It’s insurance.

January: A Calm Start

2019, 34 days sober

After the Party writes about a calm start to the new year.
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
I feel hopeful for the coming new year. I don’t have any regrets for things I didn’t get around to doing the previous year. I’m not beating myself up about it. It didn’t get done, so what! It didn’t get done.
Breathe.
Forget about it.
Breathe.

I feel calm. I feel peace. There is no guilt. There is no anxiety. I feel content.

At the same time there are dishes piled in the sink, the dining table is half covered in stuff not put away. There is dust on the surfaces. The bathroom sink plug hole needs cleaning. I am living in chaos. The bed is made and I had a bath yesterday and washed my hair. The toilet is clean. A load of washing was done yesterday. There are clean sheets on the bed. Small steps to being better organised. I am still in my pyjamas.

I used to be better organised on the surface but was chaos underneath. Now I am calm underneath and chaos on the surface.

I don’t plan to have our home perfect. I want it to look lived in. It certainly does look lived in. it looks like everyone left in a hurry and were frantically looking for things and bolted out the door.

I am not on top of the laundry pile. It is high. I have made a start. One load at a time. The house didn’t become chaotic overnight. I shouldn’t expect it to become clean and tidy overnight either.

Blame the depression. I was watching a film the other night, The Quake*, and was seeing the lead actor living through a breakdown. I saw the piles of mail unopened on the table. I saw the piles of plates in the sink. I saw the untidy room and thought that looks spookily familiar. I can see what has happened. I am through the other side but it feels hard to pick up the pieces.

I used to feel shame and embarrassment. Now I feel calm and accepting. I’m not saying I’m not bothered by the mess. I accept it as it is. It is what it is. A mess. I plan to move on from it. Improve the chaos, one dish, one T-shirt, one wipe at a time. My life is a work in progress.

I really want to get back to sketching and painting. I want to make time and space for this. This is a priority this year.

*The Wave and The Quake are Norwegian films on Netflix. Watch The Wave first. The Quake is the sequel.

Happy Sober Year!

Christmas 2018 was my first sober Christmas ever. It was relaxing and enjoyable. I say that because I estranged myself from my family. Best decision ever. Toxic family is the reason I drank. Noticing the reason why and dealing with that first was accidental. Followed by knocking alcohol on the head was the right way around. Wasn’t planned at all but that’s the way it happened.

I had a nice hot bath. Too hot in fact. My glasses steamed up plenty and made it hard to read my book. I washed my hair and feel all clean for the New Year.

I didn’t put the Christmas tree up this Christmas just gone. Didn’t buy Christmas cake or Christmas mince pies. No Christmas crackers in sight, much to the relief of DH. I did listen to Christmas music though. And I lit candles on Christmas day for dinner. I think I was feeling cautiously optimistic that I would be sober but didn’t feel too festive. I get that now. Next year will be festive with decorations. The absence of alcohol was nothing at all. It was the dread of giving up rather than realising what I was gaining. I flipped that on its head.

I didn’t send any cards or presents. I didn’t write emails at Christmas. I have hermit-ed myself away and indulged in the luxury of self-reflection, films and reading. Some might call that selfish but I call it necessary self care.

I have scribbled with Sharpies on a large sheet of paper ideas, thoughts, ramblings for the future. I feel hopeful and optimistic. Will put them into a more manageable form this week.

Happy Sober Year!

Discounted marshmallows

Sweet tooth did the supermarket run today. She bought 10 bags of Christmas marshmallows. They were NZ$1.40 down from $NZ$2.00. I knew they would be there. I had a feeling they’d be discounted. I restrained myself to limiting myself to ten bags.

Wow. The self-control she must have, you might be thinking? Hardly. As soon as I parked the car at home, I placed nine bags into the locker and shut the door. As I write this I can report that the contents of one bag is already missing. I won’t be filing a report. It’s the casualties of life.

The logic behind storing the marshmallows in the garage is laziness. Sure there is a sweet tooth that lives inside of me but she is lazy. There is no way she would bother to go down to the garage and get another bag. The marshmallows are safe where they are. For now at least.

The plan is to ration the sweet tooth to one bag a week. Realistically speaking, it means sweet tooth wolfs down one bag in one sitting but writing as one bag a week makes her sounds like she has her sweet tooth under control.

Day 32 Sober. Reading Allen Carr’s “The Easy Way for Women to Stop Drinking.” It has put the spotlight on my sweet addiction. Substitution is not the answer. Half way through and finding it very helpful.

Happy New Year! Here’s to a wonderful sober 2019!


On a hot summer’s day

All I could think about yesterday evening was how a glass of wine would be nice. I watched a film and they were drinking on that too. Cocktails and glasses of wine. I went on YouTube and the videos I watched people were drinking wine there too. I couldn’t get away from it.

It infuriated me. I ate instead of drinking wine. I didn’t need to eat. I wasn’t hungry. It was comfort eating. It was a habit. A bad one. The one good thing in all, I didn’t have any alcohol. I am still sober. Day 28.

Going strong with a wobbly day yesterday. I haven’t felt that I was missing anything. Okay the first week I felt and convinced myself I was giving up fun and joy. By week two I realised I was thinking stupid thoughts and I was gaining freedom and control of my life. Yesterday I slipped up with thoughts of what I am missing, instead of all the positive gains I have so far.

My skin looks better.
I feel proud of my self control.
I am SAVING money.
I sleep more soundly.

Insomnia is still with me. I cannot get to sleep before 2am. I am leaning into it. I am not getting upset with it. With my lifestyle I can manage. I don’t have a 9-5 job and so don’t have to get up early. But I am having brunch at 3pm and so my eating habits and sleeping habits are on European time. I’m living in the wrong time zone. Probably I need to set my alarm clock and get up early one day, regardless of the desire to stay in bed and sleep some more. Bite the bullet.

Feelings are honest

Feelings are honest. Thoughts sometimes lie.

Feeling can be confusing. Especially if a feeling is new. It might be hard to describe and put your finger on it at first. Letting it roll around your head to get the feel of it.

Do people even bother to wonder how they are feeling? Do people glide through life not really noticing their thoughts and feelings. Rushing from one to-do list task to the next, the one important task to the next urgent one. Putting out fires in their busy lives, rushing from one appointment to the next. Driving on empty and managing to refuel at the weekends.

Why is there a desire to achieve? Where does it come from? Is it a Western concept? This desire to compete, to achieve, to have ambition, to excel, to do? Is it necessary in life? Is it making our lives more difficult? Does it make us feeling incomplete without it? Unfinished?

We are enough as we are. Why is there this push in Western society to do more. To rest is considered laziness. To have no desire, drive, ambition is seen as a weakness rather than a strength. To be content is to be satisfied, or at peace. To forever be chasing more means you will never be content with you as you are now.

When we attain some new achievement there may be a rush of adrenaline and excitement but the new bar is higher now and to achieve another new high becomes harder and harder. The excitement shorter and the satisfaction duller. The human condition is to want more. It doesn’t stop. You can make it stop though.

Step off the wheel and be content with where you are now, today.

Evaluate where you are. What you want, what you need. Where you want to be. Who you want to be with or surround yourself with. Does the you of yesterday match what the you of today thinks? Can you trust your thoughts of either time period? How do you know what is true? How do you evaluate yourself and your life? Through facts alone? Feelings?

How do you evaluate your life? Yourself? Don’t compare yourself with anyone. You will always be not enough as some, and more than others. Then where does it get you? No further. It doesn’t matter about other people. You are alone in this world. You arrive alone. You live in a world alone with your thoughts. You can chose to share them with others or not. And then you die alone.

Learning to live with yourself and being content is one’s life work, is it not? Nothing else matters, right? If you happen to do extra, then that is the icing on the top of the cake of oneself. Your cake might be heavy with icing and hollow in the centre. Only you will know. Icing covers up the mistakes. And mistakes are what we do make. They are necessary in life. We learn from them. We read about other people and their lives and their doings. Reading about the past helps learn about the present and the future. Not always but it helps. It gives comfort, sorrow and hope.

Sometimes no matter how many biographies we read we don’t learn from other people. Egos get in the way of betterment. Evaluations lie by the wayside. Invincibility leads to disaster because we are all fallible. But aren’t we supposed to make mistakes to learn? Perhaps. But not to the detriment of others.

Are you honest with yourself? Do you catch yourself in a lie? Or do you only realise after the fact? Pay attention to yourself and notice what you think and feel. You may surprise yourself. Pleasantly or otherwise.

Thoughts and feelings

When a thought is being thought can a feeling be felt at the same time?
.
.
.

Yes.

When a feeling is being felt can a thought be thought at the same time?
.
.
.

No.

Thoughts are like clouds and they pass through the mind according to the weather sometimes coming fast and furious like a storm and other days they are like a summer’s day with hardly a cloud in the sky.

Hang on a minute though, what is a feeling and what is a thought? A thought is an idea or an opinion. A feeling is an emotion or a reaction.

I am ashamed. FEELING

I am an idiot. THOUGHT, a NEGATIVE THOUGHT

So if you think that you are an idiot first you can also feel ashamed at the same time. However if you feel ashamed the feeling takes over

Not all thoughts are created equal. Negative thoughts are not to be trusted. Despite the fact you might have thought something, it doesn’t make it true. Just because you thought: “I am ugly and stupid.” It doesn’t make it true. A thought is fleeting. Or it should be. If you do not release the thought it will bang about inside and create havoc. You might start to believe the negative thoughts. Thinking something a thousand times doesn’t make it true either. It just means you are stuck and don’t know how to find the window to release the thoughts.

Back up a bit there.
When you are feeling something you cannot think at the same time?
Really?
Think mindfulness.
When you are experiencing touch, taste, sound, sight or smell and paying attention you cannot have thoughts at the same time. Your attention is on feelings and the present. During that space and time there is no room for thought. You are in the moment. While you are in that moment you cannot be distracted by negative thoughts. You are in the present.

Your attention probably won’t last long but the moment of being in the present will give your mind a rest from thought. Your concentration will improve and your day will be brighter from paying attention. Quite something isn’t it.

Take time out of your day and hone your attention on something that catches your interest. Really notice. The mundane can become something wonderful with a little bit of guided attention. A simple cup of tea can become so much more.

If you have hardly given yourself a thought over the last few years perhaps don’t try mindfulness. Sitting alone with your thoughts might be a bit much for you. Take it slow. Listen you music alone first and build up to mindfulness. It might not be for everyone. It might freak you out paying attention to your surroundings. Our society spends a fortune on distraction. Films, commercials, advertising, music, books, sport, alcohol, drugs, travel, social media, the internet. Society doesn’t want you to get to know yourself. It takes effort and the natural state of human nature is laziness. Effort requires exertion and conscious thought. You may come up with an original thought. Give yourself some attention today.

The unexamined life is not worth living. – Socrates

Single Tasking

Multi-tasking is a myth.

You might be able to drive, text and have an ice cream all at the same time. Completely illegal. Not the ice cream bit, mind you. You might be able to complete tasks at the same time but are you actually aware of what you are doing or are you merely gliding through life but not really living.

To be present in what you are doing, to being there is quite different from doing it thinking of something else. To be present while say eating a hamburger, means that you notice the texture, the taste, the smell. You take your time to chew. You notice what you feel. And you enjoy each moment until the last morsel is gone. And you sit and let that feeling last a while longer as you think about who made the bun, where the lettuce came from and how much garlic was in the alioli. It’s an experience.

You might have eaten the burger before and you know the taste so that’s why you keep going back to the same place. It tastes good. The price fits your budget. Need we say more. Think again of the same burger and meanwhile you have email to read. So you do both at once. Eating and reading. One does not do the other justice. The same burger now is eaten just the same as the prior burger but the experience is not the same. Autopilot is on and the burger is gone and the email is read but if I asked you about it ten minutes later you might have trouble remembering. If I asked you the next day what did you have for lunch yesterday you probably won’t remember.

Which meal is more appealing? Obvious right? The first one where you were present at the meal. But I have no time, you say. I’m too busy to sit down and do just one thing, you protest. What is all the busy-ness about? Do you know why you run yourself ragged? Perhaps you have legitimate reasons like children and mortgage payments and/or more.

Fair enough I say. Does your life need to be complicated? How can you make it simpler? Simpler doesn’t mean boring. I mean how can you make it easier on yourself? Are you doing what you want to be doing? Do you know what you want to be doing? Have you stopped and thought about it lately? Do you still have the excitement you had when you were a child when you did something new?

Try doing the same thing tomorrow as you intended but this time with intention, to be present in the moment. You might find a completely new experience in something mundane.

If we do something while we are thinking or worrying about something else we aren’t giving ourselves the time of day. We are disrespecting ourselves. If we focus on one thing at a time we will find better clarity and our thoughts will have better focus. Concentration will improve and we will enjoy our time more. Our memory may even improve too.

Do all the tasks on your do-to list really need to get done? Today? Tomorrow? Are they important? Are they urgent? No? Walk away. Have a rest. Maybe your list needs adjusting. Less on it. Give yourself time to yourself. Doing nothing.

Single tasking is the start of mindfulness.

Mindfulness is in my sober toolbox.

Sleep deprived

Tea-ed out, chocolated out and sleep deprived. Didn’t bother to go to bed until 2am because I thought what was the point in tossing and turning for hours. Turned out to be a smart idea. I fell asleep soon after getting to bed. Woke up this morning though wanting to sleep more. My face says tired. My hair says brush me. I ignore them both and go out.

I skipped the gym today. And I’m okay with that. Guilt is absent. I’m giving myself a break. I’m being kind to myself. That said, I really should have brushed my hair before going out. Too late now. I’m home again.

I need to buy more tea and chocolate if I am going to survive the holiday season. Yes. Need. To remain sober I need to have distraction. I have been drinking copious amounts of tea. I have found a tea I like and I’m going to go crazy and buy the lot. It’s not a popular tea. Pomegranate. I hope they have it in stock.

Sweet craving are the norm for those that go sober. It’s to be expected. For me, the one with the sweet tooth, I hope that I don’t balloon out to greet the wind.

The hours between 8 and 10 in the evenings are my witching hours. Beware the sweet tooth monster during those times and you can make it through the night. Otherwise watch out and reap the wrath of the monster.