3:59pm Good Friday

Just to be extra clear: Don’t feel like drinking alcohol. Never really have since I stopped. Maybe once or twice in the early days because I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. Nobody does. It wasn’t hard. It wasn’t the end of the world. It was the beginning.

Today and this week or month I have been feeling out of sorts with myself.

Not drinking allows me to see, find and be myself in the raw. I am finding it hard just to get out of bed these days. Why? Don’t know. Change of season?

I have gotten out of the habit of self care or care in general. How did I get this way so quickly? I have no idea.

In no way shape or form does the idea to drink enter my head. For that I am grateful. I don’t feel ever like taking that route ever again.

Depression is settling in. I have let it in somehow. I recognise it and yet I feel helpless to help myself. I feel like a witness to something happening yet it is me it is happening to. A witness observes and is impartial to the event, yet it is me that it is happening to and I feel immune to do anything about it to improve my situation. I can see it happening. I can feel it happening. Yet I do nothing.

I cannot help myself. The desire is there. But the effort is not there. The house has gone downhill. It is chaos. My cleanliness is doubtful. I am not eating my best meals. My cats are looked after better than me. I put them first. There is no neglect there. Just neglect of myself.

How can I write I have been wondering, if I cannot help myself? Ridiculous thoughts really. I should realise that it the depression talking and not the real me. How have I fooled myself so many times?

Lately (this year) I have felt so strong with dealing with depression, noticing when it comes on and how it comes in. I felt more knowledgeable about depression. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. I might have gotten cocky. It appears so. I have been put in my place. Depression isn’t to be conquered, it is to be dealt with and lived with. It is not to be treated lightly and with superiority. Depression will put you on your arse swiftly if you mock it or think light of it.

I am on my arse.

Today I felt able to write about it. That is something. Perhaps things are on their way up after all.

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12 thoughts on “3:59pm Good Friday

  1. Would you consider medication? Perhaps you have? On a personal note I was always extremely anti which is ironic for someone who throws (threw) copious amounts of alcohol down my throat, but I have terrible OCD behaviour and thoughts and always have, although I didn’t know when I was a child of course that not everyone had an internal voice like mine. This constant narrative, running on a loop in the background of my life inevitably led to depression.
    Five years ago I was offered a drug that really helped, despite my reluctance to try it. For me it wasn’t ideal but I know I have to take it for my illness whatever the drawbacks.
    Depression is awful. Take care and I really wish you well.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sending you hugs, from someone who also watches depression come and go. Keep gently looking for some levers. I’m curious what you’ve tried in the past and will look back in your blog. Have you read _Mood Cure_? Done food elimination experimenting? Right now my lever is sugar. When it’s in my diet, my mood is unpredictable and sometimes very painful. When it’s out, I’m fine. (all sugars including fruit) Hang in there, relax around the pain, and keep writing……..! Adrian

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    • Thank you. When my food balance is off and junk food becomes the main that should be a sign.
      Mood cure – no I haven’t read that. Will look it up.
      Will write more on this at a later date.

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  3. I can also so relate. It is a bit of a mind frick when we know everything we should do, but we don’t have the energy to act. I agree by just being able to write here you made the first crucial move by looking at it instead of away. Next step, be very kind to yourself today and use just one of your tools, even if it’s only implemented in a very small way, to start picking yourself uP. I believe in you that you will chase the dragon away.❤️

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    • Thank you. Yes. I followed the plan and now I’m back on my feet.
      Writing is such a powerful tool. When it’s the most difficult time to write is when we should do so. Those are the days when writing holds us higher.

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  4. I can totally relate to what you’ve written here AND what Anne commented too. In the latter days of my depression, writing about the way I felt and rereading everything was one of the main reasons I got better. For me though, I literally had to give myself a slap. I wanted so badly just to sleep and hide away in the beginning but by the end…I started writing, taking photographs, forcing myself to go out and walk. I know that’s not for everyone nor is it easy, the forcing yourself, but I felt SO much prouder of myself for it. Baby steps. Find the thing that MAKES YOU want to get up and go out. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Good on you for coming on here and writing because when you are depressed even that can be hard. I found when I was going through it even making turning up here each day and just type what ever was rattling around in my brain (as random as some was) it helped to clear them out. Also don’t know if you have considered a bit of therapy? Sending you a big hug and hoping that you can see the only way is up once you are already on your arse XOX

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