2 months on

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Fed up. Writing out my feelings. Don’t for God sakes feel sorry for me or give me sympathy. I’m grumpy. It won’t be received graciously.

I managed to get outside into the garden. I was wallowing in bed feeling so low. My hair hasn’t been brushed in God knows how long. I brushed my teeth for the first time in three days. I am well overdue for a bath. I am two months into recovery from my broken ankle.

Last night I was teary eyed. Netflix couldn’t cure my depression. It didn’t lift me at all. YouTube did nothing. I was restless and barely made my daily sketch. I didn’t want to sleep. Or was it I couldn’t sleep. I don’t know. It was after 2 and I was wide awake.

I looked at the depression, self compassion modules. I read the notes and it said to read them in order. I couldn’t even bring myself to open the module. When you can barely get out of bed, with poor self hygiene then reading something to improve or elevate yourself just is so far out of reach and requiring too much energy.

As I said I made it out to the garden and sat in the sun. I threw on a dress, a baggy summer dress. Turns out it was back to front. Oh well. It matched my mood. I thought it was better to be ‘dressed’ in my own backyard than ‘running about’ in a T-shirt and underpants. I say running about with loaded sarcasm. I am still on crutches with a moon boot. My moon boot stands at attention waiting for me to jump into it when I am in bed.

My knee scooter has been banned by my physiotherapist. She said she doesn’t want to see it. She wants me to use crutches placing some weight on my right leg. So I have designed a cheat method of getting into the moon boot. The three leg Velcro straps are done up loosely, I can slide my foot into the boot, and do them up quicker. Then there are two more straps on the foot. It saves seconds. When going to the loo these seconds are precious.

I must be the most hydrated person on the planet just now. The boredom of a broken ankle makes me drink more water. What comes in must come out. Duh.

Oh and by the way I broke my fibula not the tibia, like I thought. The fibula is apparently not a weight bearing bone yet I have been off the weight on my right leg for six weeks! That will teach me for going the non-surgery route.

The colour is coming back to my right foot. From a reddy pink shade moving back to a pasty white. It is not there yet but much improved. Wrinkles have come back. Note that is a good thing. It means that the circulation is working. The swelling is gone. There is tenderness around the ankle. That’s to be expected. There is stiffness and pins and needles. This is normal because the foot hasn’t been used for a while. Weight is slowly going onto various parts. The muscles are being stretched and pulled. The toes scrunched to pick up objects. Progress is being made.

Coming up to my one year sober mark at the end of the month. Thought I would be feeling better about it but the broken ankle is getting in the way. No matter how low I feel I don’t want to drink again. But I need to develop better habits of celebration.

I am learning how to treat myself. Here she goes again with bloody ice cream. Passionfruit ice blocks with white chocolate. The most expensive ice cream I have even bought. Three blocks to a pack. I slammed aside my frugal self and let the self indulgent me free reign in the frozen aisle. I also tried a new brand of AF ginger beer. Delicious. Gingery and dry. Low sugar by the taste. I have found my summer drink.

That’s enough waffling. Wrote away the grumpiness. Feeling much better. If you comment, I promise not to bite your head off.

30 thoughts on “2 months on”

  1. it’s ok to feel exactly as you wish. I believe most of the frustration comes from the ‘guilt ‘of thinking we have to “feel” a certain way and if we don’t” feel” like that all the time we are failing. At least that’s what i go through. One year coming up plus menopause = rollercoaster emotions are a fact!..give yourself a break . There are no instructions in the book for this. And i am sure you know that “this too shall pass.”..:) hugs!!

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  4. Can totally relate and I don’t have a broken ankle – (just prone to seeing the world through shit coloured lenses at times)- that’s a big deal and the fact you’ve managed to stay sober is amazing. So much harder to distract when can’t move. I hope the feeling better feeling lasted a while and keep writing! 💞💞

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    • Thank you! I have learnt much about patience, perseverance and practice over the last couple of months. I have been humbled. I have learnt to ask for help, something I have been terrible at until now. Most of the time I have enjoyed with my thoughts. I have also been grateful for the time to think. I usually like my own company.
      Being in the sun today was a welcome change to lift my mood. Sketching also helped. My next post will be brighter. 😁

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  5. Dear lime twisty
    You have my undying sympathy and I feel so so sorry for you, I know that’s just what you need to hear right now😉 (sorry, couldn’t resist)
    You seemed like 1 you almost wrote yourself into a better mood, 2 I know you have a wicked sense of humour! And 3 wish we had ice cream like that over here!
    Nearly a year- go girl brilliant stuff. Hope the leg improves and depression lifts soon.
    Jim x

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  6. Risking having my head bit off lol I think that even with the stupid arse moon boot you should feel very proud of the whole year anniversary coming up! What you have done is something to be celebrated and to feel very proud of yourself, shit I’m proud of you, I know the work that goes into that first year. Don’t ever take it for granted because it is bloody hard and so, so easy for that little alcoholic bitch voice to creep back into our head and try to cease the moment. Don’t miss celebrating the victories in this world. Ouch your ankle sounds like a major, I broke mine when I was young and it has a pin in it so snap (haha) we have another thing in common. XOX

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    • Such a brave woman! Lol.
      Was thinking of calling my right foot Alfred. Snap. Ouch sorry for the returning awful pun. He doesn’t have a pin in him. I think it was him that was cranky. Couldn’t have been me.
      It has been a long year. An eventful year. Not taking it for granted. I have been fed so I’m feeling less grumpy. Feeling very grateful. I have been trying the Brene Brown gratefulness theory but it doesn’t work all the time.
      Off to sketch a portrait. XOX

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    • Agree that reaching a year is a major, major milestone and one to be proud of! It took me many years of trying, of getting to a couple of weeks or months then failing, but was something else when i reached the year. Looking back i was too obsessed about everything, what people thought, what i was thinking, and everything else in between…but that’s changed totally in my sober life, much more chilled, focused on the things i can control, like how i react to things, and all i can say is this has helped me a lot.

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      • Just started following you today! 😊 I have 2 of the books you recommend. Will reread them again. And get the other one from the library. Thank you. Will be going through your site for nuggets of wisdom. Looking forward to it. 😊

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      • Great choices. Title about obstacles looks very up my alley. Love the stoics. And Brene Brown, Allen Carr, Ken Robinson but still haven’t made my mind up on Tony Robbins. The sumo book haven’t seen. Thank you. Haven’t read your tips or steps yet. Went straight to the books. 😊

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      • Try ‘Ego is the Enemy’ also by Ryan Holiday, was a great read and picked up a lot of tips. Ego is what kept me drinking way past the point i knew i had to give up.

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      • Hey, if you’re a little squirrely right now, that’s a good thing… it means you’re on the right path. Things are working for you exactly as they have for those who came before you. Congratulations! (Even if it doesn’t feel that congratulations are quite in order at the moment).

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      • Ummmm. Squirrely? Can you explain that for me. Does that mean I like to hide nuts? Or I cannot sit still? I have a cute tail? Thanks for the congrats 🥳 btw.

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      • I don’t comment on tails… chuckle. That said, “The definition of squirrelly is something related to a squirrel or someone who is restless or eccentric. An example of someone who would be described as squirrelly is a fidgety, nervous person.”

        😁

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    • totally agree.the closer i get to my one year the antsier i feel. I read once somewhere that this would happen as my nervous system began to repair itself. There will be ups & downs . LOTS of them. And menopause on top of it? You’re talking pretty much multiple personality disorder…lmao!!

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      • In all my years, that’s the first time I heard anything about the nervous system repairing itself. That would surely explain a lot! Where I run into trouble is that, for me, it manages to try to repair itself every year around the same time. Crap!

        As to your timing for choosing to recover, you sure do like a challenge, eh?! You have my unending sympathy. That sounds incredibly rough. That part about the multiple personality disorder really did make me LOL. Nice one. 😀

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  8. I just got done watching a documentary on ac/dc before reading your post. You know down to the basics just pure rock n roll. Was shaking my head up and down like Angus relating to your description of days with depression. So…all I’ll I can say is I can relate it’s fucking bloody hell indeed! I’m rooting for you🎸

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    • I have had 4 coffees today and it’s only lunchtime. Unusual for me. 🤪
      I was just saying that I need to bring more music into my life. Have been using podcasts but think music might be better. Was watching YT yesterday and someone was listening to the 500 best albums of all time, one by one. Rolling Stone mag. Thought that might be a good idea. AC/DC must be among them surely. Grumpiness has gone, on a coffee buzz. Thanks for being brave enough to comment. 😁

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