No Joy

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Wendy writes of JOY on untipsyteacher and I loved her description of joy. Me. I just can’t feel it right now.

I tried writing a post last week. I didn’t post it. It was too dark and depressing. That was my mood. It was the truth. I still feel the same. Depression is here. I cannot move forward or back or over. I try to make an effort and boy is it an effort. Life should be a joy. It is not at the moment.

I am joyless. I am depressed.

Coronavirus is creating a layer on our lives which we never would have imagined.

I went for a walk for the first time in ages. I didn’t like seeing people. I did and I didn’t. Just don’t come near me but acknowledge me. Prickly as a pineapple, is me. Not sure if the walk helped. It was nice to see the water and the sky. So yes. I didn’t prepare well, didn’t wear socks so go blisters on my heels. I tried my best but today my best is bit#hy. I am not pleasant to be around.

So very tired. Exhausted. Anxious. Snappy. Prickly. Don’t say anything kind to me. I don’t deserve it. I will take it the wrong way and that compliment you said will backfire like a turd in a catapult. Walk away. I just want a break from myself. Tired. So so sick of myself.

No desire to drink again. Luckily. But tell me what is the point if all I feel now is constantly depressed? Don’t answer that. Today I lack the concept of hope. There is no hope today.

Sober as a bitten fingernail.

A request though, do you have a book that you would recommend that would be helpful in dealing with depression?

59 thoughts on “No Joy”

  3. Depression is a bastard. The black dog. I don’t suffer from it but I know and have worked with many people that do experience it. What I know helps many people is chatting about it. In the UK I volunteer with Samaritans and just a chat with someone when feeling very down can help. Do you have an equivalent where you are?

    As far as a book is Concerned I can recommend The Road less Travelled by M Scott Peck. Full of wisdom and insight. The opening lines alone are worth getting the book for:
    “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult–once we truly understand and accept it–then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”

    It amazes me how much damage I have done by expecting life to be something other than difficult and how much easier my life is when I accept that it is difficult and that I will be uncomfortable.”

    Hope that cloud lifts. Jim x

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    • I read The Road Less Travelled many many years ago. It was my first book reading about the philosophy of life. I just loved it. I wonder if I read it again today what will make me take notice. Putting it on the list thank you. xx

      Thanks for the suggestion of chatting about depression. When I am in the middle of it I don’t realise how my way of speaking changes, the tone gets harsher, the replies get snappier. But you don’t realise it, until it’s pointed out. Sometimes you realise it yourself and try to improve but quite honestly you just need to wait it out or avoid people. I tend to talk less and avoid people when depressed. Safer for everyone. I have slept for 16 hours and feel so much better. For me sleeping is better than a chat. At least it is at the moment.

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  4. “Sober as a bitten fingernail” – wow. Brilliant. And the first book that popped into my mind is The Artist’s Way… though that’s not specifically on dealing with depression. Thought I’d jot it down anyway. ❤️xoxoxo

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    • p.s. I tried not to say anything too kind… because of what you said in your post, and because I get it, since I’ve ‘been there,’ often enough. But I think you’re an awesome writer, and I’m sending hugs and love, I hope that’s not too much. 🐻🌈🤗

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    • Thanks. The truth hurts sometimes.

      The Artist’s Way Julia Cameron.
      Love that book. My copy is well worn. Thank you for suggesting that.
      I try and write my morning pages (mp) daily. Not happening so much these days but find them very helpful when I do. Sometimes I write them at night before bed so for me they are anytime pages. I use a fountain pen to write too. It’s a good habit.

      Any book that lifts or gives hope is a book to help deal with depression.

      Today sleeping all day apart from lunch . I think my body needs it. Going with the flow rather than fighting it. ❤️xx

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      • I figured you would have… you’re so creative and it’s a bit of a bible isn’t it. I agree the pages can be anytime pages and for me they are one of my main forms of therapy besides light daily exercise. I still have to try this fountain pen thing!! You’re inspiring me. ❤️🌷Good job on the sleep too…. super important, and I often don’t make enough time for it. Sweet (day)dreams… 😴💕 xoxoxo

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      • Fountain pens are beautiful to write with. Decide on what nib you like, fine, medium or other. For me I prefer medium, gets a bit more ink on the page and it’s less ‘scratchy’. Then there’s inks to play with and also paper.
        To start with would I recommend a Lamy Safari. That’s what I use for everyday.
        For ink I would recommend Pelikan Edelstein Ink Collection.
        Both the fountain pens and inks come in amazing colours. Enjoy window shopping online. xx

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  5. How long have you been sober? There is something called PAWS, and I suffered for 15 to 18 months after getting sober (felt depressed, not motivated to do anything, really). Also, what about perimenopause? I know that declining female hormones can cause depression and anxiety… Also, there is something akin to withdrawal off of SSRIs (and maybe other antidepressants)–good to know, maybe you’ve felt that as well. HUGS. Hope you reach some solace soon…

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    • I am sober 1 year 5 months, (17 months). Haven’t heard of PAWS. Will look it up.
      Moved on into menopause now. Peri-menopause was rough.
      I was 2 months free of SSRI. I safely reduced my dosage in 10mg increments for a month at each new level. However I started back up again yesterday.
      All these questions that you’re asking and no wonder I feel the way I do. Plus CoviD19, plus my broken ankle late last year. Thank you DDG.

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  6. Hi you. I’m sorry I have only just read your post and doubly sorry you are feeling this way. Depression is a killer and I absolutely hate it. It is totally the opposite of ‘joy’ in every sense of the word. Others have made excellent suggestions and comments before me and I echo what they say. I stopped taking my antidepressants at the beginning of 2019 and two months afterwards I took a nose dive I couldn’t come out of. In June I restarted them and they ave really helped, along with counselling. The anger and disgust we feel towards ourselves when we are in fullness of depression is all consuming isn’t it? We are so hard on ourselves, like it’s our fault. You and I know deep down it isn’t and being cross with us wont help. Its an illness and THE most important thing right now is to try as hard as you can to not punish or blame yourself. Give yourself a break. Be as kind to you as you would be to others if they were saying the same things to you. have As kind as you have been to me in the past when I have struggled.
    Never worry about expressing those feelings on here. We all want to help and support you as much as you have us. Claire xx

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    • Thanks Claire. I woke up to your comment today. My eyes are leaking now.
      I’m an introvert at the best of times, I usually like my own company. but with depression it makes me doubt myself and even the simplest of decisions makes me go into a tailspin. And I feel shame, stupid and tired for starters. The self care atm has gone out the window. The kindness of others here is lifting me up. I needed to be reminded of being kind to myself. Thanks for that. The onesie, Netflix and bed yesterday helped.

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      • My advice, for what it’s worth, is to accept that you feel all those emotions. Depression will lead to doubts, shame, tiredness and feelings of being unworthy and disengaged. Try to remember that’s depression causing you to feel that way, not you! Take it slowly and stay in the onsie until you are ready to take the next step. Fill up your little box of self care strategies and use them. I have let my self care slip and I can feel the difference. Today I’m going to rest, watch tv, listen to mindfulness and meditation apps and try some yoga for the first time. Plus sleep a lot.
        Sending love, keep going, you are doing great xx

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      • I think it’s sometimes what we have to do. I certainly feel I need it right now. I’m sure it’s our body’s way of helping our mind rest and recover. Depression can feel a bit like an assault on the emotions can’t it?

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  9. I’m so sorry, I suffered most of my life with depression, at times severe.
    I do take an anti depressant which helps. I found that exercise, talk therapy helped so much.
    It’s very hard, and I hope you can find some relief.
    xo
    Wendy

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    • Thanks Wendy❤️ I hope you didn’t feel like I was putting a dampener on your post Joy.
      Keep posting with photos please.
      Enjoying them.
      A onesie day at home. Staying safe and warm.
      Started back on medicine today. Disappointed I need to take them but understanding that they help. I thought I could do it without medicinal help. But I can’t.

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  10. I used to be very anti medication, until I actually became suicidal and tried medication.
    It is now a must for me. I don’t let myself question its necessity. Even with eating well, daily yoga, sobriety, self love…I still expertience depression.

    I’m taking a low dose of cymbalta now and I believe it is working. It lets me do all the work to find the true joy, even amongst horrible pain.

    I got through my divorce, I’m getting through the pandemic, I’m loving through another natural disaster right now.

    It’s hard. But I know that without the meds no amount of work was going to get my head above water.

    I love Pema Chodorn, the places that scare you. It helped me a lot.

    Take care. Don’t underestimate depression. It is very very complicated.

    Anne

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    • Thanks for your honesty. I have read Pema Chodron in the past. I like her. Will look her up again. Thanks for pointing me in the right direction.
      I think I will go back on fluoxetine. I don’t know what miracle I expected this morning. Situation: no change.
      I cried over a sushi delivery today.
      First world depression problems.
      Simply ridiculous. Can’t believe I felt/wrote that.
      Warm in my onesie. xx

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  11. I don’t have depression, but I have anxiety that can be debilitating at times. My step-mother has severe depression. Zoloft (sertraline) has changed both of our lives. I didn’t want to take it for a long time. I still feel, somehow, that I “shouldn’t” be on it. I don’t know exactly why I feel that way since I am doing so much better (now that I’m past the side effects). I am certain that I would be losing my mind entirely with anxiety right now without it. These are terrible times. A prolonged state of fear and stress and worry is just not something our bodies and minds cope with well. We will get through it somehow. I’m all for funny movies and books in the meantime.💜

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  12. I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling depressed – you describe it so well and having felt that way in the autumn you have all my sympathy – it’s horrible to not feel any joy. Are you taking anything to help? Just coz there’s a reason for it doesn’t mean meds won’t help? They have helped me enormously. Be kind to yourself and take care xxx 💞💞

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    • Thanks for your sympathy. ❤️
      I was taking fluoxetine for the side effects of stopping hot flushes/night sweats. It was very effective. They stopped so I weaned myself off it over the last few months. Did it reduce my anxiety?probably yes. It has been 2 full months without it. Took 30mg. Now none.
      Perhaps I should consider resuming it again for the purpose it was designed for. Food for thought.

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      • I was on prozac for a LONG time and it definitely helped me, or helped me cope a little better. If it reduced your anxiety then it would again and you know it’s not for ever…

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      • I don’t really want to take medicine if I can help it. Hence the weaning off of it.
        Started reading today: The Mindful Way through Depression – Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, Jon Kabat-Zinn
        I hope this helps. Would like to give this a try and help myself deal with it naturally for the long term.

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      • Totally understand that. Eventually I did wean myself off. But I do have to remind myself how desperately ill I was and how necessary it was for me, personally. All 3 of my kids suffer from anxiety (in varying forms). It’s harder for me to know that than have depression myself, but they’re strong and they fight hard. My youngest (that I live with) showed me a book (bible) she has entitled Calm the Fuck Down by Sarah Knight. It made me laugh out loud. X

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      • I do understand depression will keep coming back. It just catches me off guard all the time. I don’t have my ‘depression first aid kit’ sorted. I am learning to ride it rather than fight it. It does get tiring. I hate the way it makes me feel so stupid and pathetic.
        Thanks. Will look out for the book Calm the Fuck Down by Sarah Knight.
        Everything is eBook atm. The libraries are shut but eBooks and streaming films prevail. It is quite amazing how adaptable everyone is.

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      • I haven’t suffered from depression for over 11 years now. I’m not ‘cured’ but I’m as better as I’ll ever be. It’s not simple but I realised a long time ago that you have to find the thing that gives you the most joy and do that thing as much as you can. For me it was a combination of humour, writing (both humour and serious shit), photography and art. It works for me because I want it too…I guess. What you said about the things you can’t wait to do…THOSE things will make you better! The timing is bad but things will go back to normal soon. Stay strong xx

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  13. I’m working (checkout operator) and we’re experiencing a lot of abuse from customers, who I suspect, are feeling a lot like you do. I am taking it personally a lot of the time and people I speak to about it tell me to tell them to ‘eff off’ but it’s really not my way. I KNOW that some of them are just arseholes but not all. People are (collectively) feeling anxious, unsure and overwhelmed about something that is beyond our control but not everyone has the coping mechanism for that. I had postnatal depression that morphed into clinical for 14 years so I do feel for you (in a completely non patronising kinda way) and also KNOW exactly how it feels to lose your sense of humour or joy. That was (for me) the straw that broke the camel’s back though and if I start feeling similarly now I’ll search for funny shit til my funny bone’s tickled again. Actually, I’ve been doing that lately too, watching reruns of programmes I know will make me laugh out loud.

    I just want you to know, in my hamfisted way, that I get how you feel, or think I do. I’ve been jokingly saying lately that I can’t wait til this is over so I can quit my job, move to a uninhabited island and live there for the rest of my life…which is an unrealistic dream really. Hate people right now (present company excepted, of course!). X

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    • Thank you for your long comment. Especially the last line 😊
      I am polite to everyone except DH at the moment. He’s getting the brunt of it. I am usually polite to everyone.
      Even awful people.
      The moving to an island idea, umm, yes, I have actually looked online for property. Lol 😂
      Netflix and YouTube binging has been helpful.
      Saw a great video on making roti and then burst into tears when I read in the comments that the guy had died of Covid 19. That was yesterday.
      Thank you for working especially at a time such as now. I appreciate what you do.
      Thanks for getting me. ❤️

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      • Omg! I’ve looked at property TOO! I’d even consider a commune…

        I haven’t really been a big crier since the Great Depression (I did enough of that shit then) but I’ve cried a lot lately. Like the roti story, I’ve heard a few that’ve got me right at the wrong time. I blubbed so much at one story my daughter told me that even she was shifting uncomfortably at my reaction – I could TELL she was wishing she hadn’t told me haha. It just means we’re human though, you know…with emotions and empathy and shit.

        ❤💙

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      • It was Floyd Cardoz. I just ‘discovered’ him this week. His voice is wonderful and his passion for food is just amazing.

        I’m stoic with those I don’t know. Overly polite to people I don’t know so I appear standoffish rather than friendly. I just believe in being polite and kind to everyone. Times like now I forget to smile and my resting face is ‘wtf have you done’ with frown lines. It scares the hell out of DH sometimes when I appear and say something ordinary. It doesn’t match up.

        Emotional. Yes. I used to try and suppress it. Now I just let it out. It’s a good thing.

        I just want to go fishing, read a book, watch films, sketch, paint, cook, make pottery, nap, go for a walk, and be with DH and my cats, light a fire, watch the sunsets. If that doesn’t sound like island life, what does? I would insist on a good internet connection though.

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      • Oh, of course haha. That last paragraph you put is (almost) my ideal too. I’m working so much that I don’t even have time to dream about the stuff I want to do…but eventually, one day you and I will both be able to do those simple things that give joy. X

        I’m about to reblog a thing from a blogger I also follow on here and she’s got a great s.o.h. Hope it makes you laugh too x

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