Which way is up?
Why are my eyes leaking?
This sigh!
I cannot smile for myself. How can I smile for anyone else?
Doing nothing can be the best way to sit out a funk. Or in this case a sit in. I hope it doesn’t last long. I cannot see an out. I know in my logical part of my brain that it won’t last forever. I know that. But. The loudest part of me cannot see that. It cannot fathom that. It despairs. It doesn’t see why I should bother trying. Why bother? What’s the point? Lie down. Give up. Stay down. You’re not worth it. You’re down right ugly. To the core.
I just want to hug myself and grip tightly and stay like that until the tears stop rolling own my cheek. Saying nothing. There are no words that comfort me. I just need to feel constricted and warm, cocooned. I don’t need unnecessary sounds of ‘there, there’ that’s just condescending. Shut up already.
Scratch that. I want to hug, not be hugged. I want to feel comfort, not be comforted. On my terms.
I cannot see myself clearly. I cannot see myself honestly. I am lying to myself. I am hard on myself. I am downright cruel. I would not treat an enemy as I do myself.
Fear grips me too. Fear to move forward. Fear of success. Fear of failure. Fear of being laughed at, ridiculed. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of being me. Fear to try. Fear. Simple. Fear.
I can’t deal with fear today. That’s too hard.
What’s the worst that could happen?
It will never be as bad as you imagine and it won’t be as good as you imagine. It’s usually somewhere in between.
I can talk myself out of trying. Easily.
Being sober. I am clinging to that. It is my life raft. I don’t have a desire to drink.
I drank to give myself moments of peace from the negative voices in my head. I drank to take a holiday from myself. It was my way of coping with being me.
I am living with fear. This fear I want to shake off. It is crusted and mouldy, there are layers upon layers of fear. Peeling layers replaced with glossy new ones. It is suffocating me.
Trying to open a window for my soul to breathe. But the window frame is painted shut. There are nails that need to be pried out. There are cobwebs. It is filthy.
I want to have a long soak in a bathtub. I cannot do that at the moment. I have a cast on my lower leg. A bath is out of the question. God I miss having a bath.
I have plugged the leaks of my eyes. In its place a headache has surfaced. Rest.
Rest.
I am so sick of resting. The simple act of taking a walk. I would love to do that. I am going stir-crazy from a month of rest. Damn this broken foot. That is the truth of it. This will pass.
Are you in a boot or cast?
That so sucks.
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Cast.🦶
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Yikes. That is hard. I guess Netflix is only so entertaining…
I practice yoga with a broken foot. Everything can be done seated. But I had a boot, which made mobility much simpler.
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Been thinking about yoga a lot recently. Good for flexibility and the mind. Might try a class. Was looking online for exercise with a cast and found some options. Yesterday I just had had enough. Today is a new day.😁
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Look for a yin class. All sitting!
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Thanks. New jargon for me.
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Hugs!
When I get really sick or recovering from an operation, my mood can go really low.
I hope a friend can come and drink some coffee with you! Or drive you around a bit!
xo
Wendy
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❤️
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Pretty sure I would feel the same or worse in your position. Kudos for keep-keep-keeping on. Hug, and cheers-ing you with coffee.
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❤️
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You don’t need platitudes that’s clear and as you said, people do get through these lows and gain a different perspective. Not reaching for a drink in such times is mightily impressive. Here’s to tomorrow.
Take care
Jim
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Thanks Jim😊 Yes here’s to tomorrow!
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You are stronger than you think, braver. I would feel down too, anyone would. It is so hard to be still with ourselves. This too will pass and you will be active and happy again💕
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On my third cup of coffee for the day. I have sketched for 15 straight days. Sketching is my rock.
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That’s great you’ve found something creative to help you through!! I’m working on that.
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Still sketching every day. Hope you find something that puts a spark in your life.
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